


I'm Gonna Bruise You

by lukeskywalker (bearwald)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: 50s, Alternate Universe - 1950s, Alternate Universe - Fifties, Alternate Universe - High School, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Sexism, Protective Siblings, Romance, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-14 16:00:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5749372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bearwald/pseuds/lukeskywalker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the 1950s and Luke Skywalker is struggling with problems both at home and in his personal life. His father wants him to follow in his footsteps, a path he doesn't want to take, and he isn't willing to take no for an answer. And while his household is a wreck, full of screaming matches between his sister and father, he's found himself falling for his best friend, Han. The Summer ahead of them feels infinite and terrifying, and Luke isn't sure he'll make it to the next school year in one piece. </p><p>-- </p><p>"He turned to Han and found rather than staring at Leia, he was focused on Luke. They locked eyes and Han turned back to the road, smiling out at the path ahead. In the split second he’d caught him, Luke had been held paralyzed by his gaze. The air rushed past his ears and Leia’s laughter seemed distant, and Luke felt so infinitely small. There was so much life in him, screams of his own still bouncing around his chest, potential that longed to break free. </p><p>He watched Han. The moment clung onto him, Han’s eyes staring deep into his own. He was afraid of himself, shaking with every emotion welling up inside of him. He’d never been so afraid of what he knew he could do. To reach out and touch, to hold."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Some general notes before we get started in case you didn't noticed the tags: This work has a lot of internalized homophobia, and just homophobia in general! It's a big theme in this story, so if you're sensitive to that, I don't recommend you read this. It's appropriate for the period, but it of course seems more extreme now. There is no violence, however, it's all just words/thoughts. 
> 
> Oh, and the title of this fic comes from Spring Awakening, if you've heard it, the song "The Word of Your Body (Reprise)" if you were curious. I just love that line in particular. You should listen to the song, it's fantastic. 
> 
> Moving on, I hope you guys enjoy!! I'll be updating this every Sunday, and will definitely be keeping to that schedule this time (sorry no 5 days of updates straight like my last fic). Not sure how long it'll be yet, I'm hoping for 5 chapters, but we'll see! 
> 
> Enjoy!

“Luke, you’d best be up! You don’t want to be late to class on the last day of the year!” Luke’s mother banged against his door as he shot up out of the bed, hair standing at all ends. The clock beside his bed ticked away, pointing out it was already 7 in the morning, long after he’d been meant to get up. He jumped out of bed, throwing his pajamas off as he searched around the room for clothes. 

“Course I’m up, ma! Nearly ready to go!” He heard his mother’s heels tapping against the hall floors as she headed away. He sighed in relief, happy she hadn’t pressed the issue. His father wouldn’t be happy if he’d heard Luke was up late again. But today was the last day he’d have that problem. The last day of the school year, Summer waiting just ahead of him. He struggled into his clothes as quickly as he could, straightening his hair before running out to the kitchen, finding his family all sitting at the table for breakfast. 

“Luke, you’re running late.” His father eyed him from over the top of his newspaper, a disapproving note to his voice. He always seemed angry at his son these days, after their conversation about Luke taking over the family business, studying law, coming to work for his dad. He’d declined the offer, but his father hadn’t taken it well. He now took every opportunity to scold his son, every misstep was a lecture, and every mistake had a much too large punishment. His mother had tried to reason with his father, but it’d been to no avail. 

“Cool it, I’ve got loads of time!” He sat next to his sister, digging into his breakfast. Leia raised an eyebrow at him, but he ignored her, focusing all his attention on his food. His mother filled the silence and made polite conversation with their father until it was time to go, allowing Luke to relax. 

As soon as the clock showed 7:30 the two kids were out the door, off down the road to catch the school bus, waving bye at their ma as they rushed down the hot pavement of the road. 

xx

The bus was already filled with chatting students, and the twins slid into their usual seats, Luke plopping down next to Han. Leia sat just across the aisle, lounging back in the empty seat. 

“Mornin’, dolly.” Han smiled over at Leia, leaning forward to catch a glimpse of her. She rolled her eyes in response as she did each morning, not bothering to respond to his advances. Han turned back to Luke in face of her indifference, grinning and ruffling his hair. “Looks like someone woke up late again, huh?” 

“And even then I still look better than you.” Luke teased back, grinning at his friend. The two got into a small fight, shoving each other and laughing, Han nearly throwing Luke off the seat, until Leia interrupted their fun. 

“It isn’t hard to look better than him.” She added from her seat, looking bored and their childish behaviour. The two settled back down, brushing themselves off from the scuffle. It was a normal morning for the trio, playful banter between them all. They’d always operated the same way, since the twins had met Han on their first day of high school. They’d been inseparable ever since. 

“Alright, alright, I get it!” Han laughed, slinging an arm around Luke. It was familiar, and comforting. In all the mess that had been his home life lately, Han was a constant source of stability. He needed him around more than he’d like to admit. 

xx

Classes passed in a blur, Luke barely paying attention to his classmates chatting about Summer plans and drives they were taking with parents. All he heard was the ticking off the clock, counting down the minutes before the final bell. 

He found himself watching Han for most of his classes, just staring from across the room. He was interesting to watch, the way his expression changed as the day went on. The way he grinned as Leia made faces at him from her desk, or the disinterested look he shot anyone else trying to talk to him. He was a bit of a loner, not talking to anyone but Luke and Leia. It made him feel special, to be let in like that. To be one of the only exceptions. 

Not many people knew what it was like hear him laugh, or see that glint in his eyes when they drove down a road late at night. No one knew what his touch felt like, the comfort his arm wrapped around your shoulders, fingers squeezing your arm as you passed in the hall. All the little things that he showed no one but the twins. Even just Luke, some of them. He never touched Leia like he did Luke, with ease and familiarity. Luke wasn’t sure Leia would allow him to if he tried, but it was nice to pretend it was something special Han did for only him. 

Han caught his eye as he was staring, grinning over and winking so quickly he nearly missed it. He let out a laugh, trying his best to cover it up before others noticed the silent exchange. It was a private moment, he didn’t want anyone else to be let into his little world, feeling for just a second that he and Han were the only ones in the room. 

xx

As soon as the bell rang at the end of the day, the group was running out the front doors of the school, energized and excited for the months ahead of them. Leia held her skirt down as she ran, the thing poofing up as air filled it, the boys’ hair flying back in the warm wind. They ran down the block, cars honking in the road as they crossed the street, paying no mind to the world around them. Luke’s shoes began to fray as they hit the pavement, soles grinding down, but he pressed on through the heat, nothing on his mind but running as far as he could. 

They made it to the park before Han collapsed into the grass, staining his jeans bright green at the knees. Luke tackled him as he went down, and Leia was quick to follow, laying down on top of her brother. Han protested, trying to push the two off of him, words swallowed up by laughs. 

“You two tryin’ to bury me here?!” He hollered, finally succeeding in throwing the two from him, Luke now lying on his back next to Han and Leia next to him, trying to brush the grass from her skirt. The air was still filled with the echoes of their laughter, the energy of the Summertime already filling them. Han turned to Luke, finding their faces close, both red from running and gulping down air. Luke grinned at him as best he could, a bit shaky, overflowing with feeling. His heart threatened to erupt, not from exhaustion, but with love for the moment, the pure joy that filled it. 

“I’ve been waiting for this moment all year.” Luke turned back to the blue sky, soaking in the scene. Leia watched the two, a soft smile on her own face, but she looked distant. Where Luke was locked into the moment, feeling everything about it, exploring the seconds as they passed, Leia looked towards something long gone or long ahead. She pictured the end of the Summer, the way the park would look, leaves turning orange, skies turning dark. She couldn’t cling onto the present like her brother could, it all felt so fragile and impermanent. A car full of cheerleaders passed, laughing and shouting into the open air, and her gaze followed them, disappearing down the busy street. 

“Before you know it, it’ll all be gone.” Leia pointed out, turning onto her side, shading her eyes from the bright sun. 

“You’ve got to appreciate it before it disappears, then.” Han propped himself up on his elbow, squinting over at his friend. “No use in worrying about the future now, you’ll deal with it when it gets here.” 

Luke lied between the two, watching their faces in the afternoon sun, breathing in the crisp air. He stayed silent, just listening. 

xx

That evening found Han and Luke lying in Han’s old tree house, a remnant of a childhood long since passed. Leia had left for home, declaring she was bored of their company with a laugh, probably running home for dinner as their mother had requested. Luke was in no hurry to return to the house for another scolding from his father, and so he stayed, lying against the wood floor, splinters pressing into his back. The sky was growing dark but the air was warm, still in the small box they were confined to. 

Han’s radio sat on the windowsill, staticky music drifting from it into the space. It was odd for the two of them to be alone, without Leia around. But Luke had to admit he didn’t find it uncomfortable, he liked the chance to speak with Han, without his sister around. He loved her, but it was different without her loud presence. 

“Sure is different without Leia here, huh?” Luke asked, voice quiet. 

“Different, but I like it.” Han smiled over at him. “Feels like I never get to spend enough time with you. Talk to you about guy stuff.” Han’s laughter filled the space, bouncing off the walls. Luke laughed in return. 

“What guy stuff?” He asked, somewhat nervous to hear what Han had in mind to talk about. 

“I don’t know, ladies? Haven’t ever heard you talk about one, thought maybe it was because your sister was around. You got a special girl on your mind?” 

An uncomfortable silence grew between them as Luke turned the question over in his head. Truthfully, he’d never thought about it. He’d thought about not thinking about girls plenty. But he’d never been able to understand what all the guys meant when they pointed out a girl they’d found cute. But of course Han would find it weird. Han would hate him for it. 

“Uh, you know.. Jane’s pretty.. great.” 

Han sat up, looking at Luke with sudden interest. 

“No kidding? Are you on the hook?” 

“No! No, not uh, not yet.” 

Han lied back down, crossing his arms behind his head. 

“Righto. You know, I haven’t found a girl that really razzes my berries yet. Closest I’ve found is your sister, but she’s like a sister to me. All the flirtin’s more a joke than it is serious.” 

Luke let out a breath he hadn’t noticed he was holding, nodding at Han’s comment. It was a relief to hear Han hadn’t really noticed girls yet himself. Made him feel a little more sure of himself. And although he denied it to himself, he was glad Han wasn’t looking right now. He didn’t want him leaving him for some girl that caught his fancy. The room grew silent as Luke muddled through his thoughts, the radio filling the now quiet air once more.

Han interrupted Luke’s thoughts, humming along to the song. His eyes were closed as he lied there, foot swinging in the air to the beat. Luke watched in quiet fascination, not recalling having seen that exact expression on his face before. At the song picked up Han began to sing the words, soft under his breath, only for a moment before he seemed to remember himself, shutting his mouth tight. It wasn’t as though his voice had been pleasant or in tune with the song, but Luke found himself longing to hear him sing again. 

“Do you like music?” Han asked him, eyes still closed. 

“I like this music.” He answered, not thinking through his words. He found it wasn’t true, the song playing on the radio wasn’t anything that excited him especially, it was about as good as any other song he’d heard. But in this moment, it felt like a crime to call the music that made Han smile like that anything less than brilliant. It was infectious, his happiness. 

“Well then, seems a waste not to dance to it.” 

Han grinned at him, eyes opening finally. He stood, barely short enough to avoid hitting his head on the low wooden roof. He gestured for Luke to get himself up, and he found himself obeying immediately. Han began to dance, feet moving quickly in time with the music, seeming to lose himself in the beat. Luke didn’t know the first thing about music, let alone dancing, but he followed Han’s steps carefully. He was slow and out of time, but Han still grinned at him like he was a professional on the dance floor, performing just for him. 

The song winded down a close, and onto something slower, more soft. Han made no move to stop dancing though, he simply reached out for Luke’s hands, pulling him close. When he was younger, he and his sister had danced like this in the living room, laughing as their feet padded across the carpet. His childhood best friend and him had danced like this in practice for school dances, joking and shoving each other, teasing each other about all the girls they’d impress. But this time, it felt dirty. He was too old to be doing this, too old to be standing so close to Han. Too old for dancing like a child who faced no consequences. He imagined his father walking in on them now, the things he’d say. 

He pulled his hands away, backing up into the thin wall behind him. Han stared at him, looking embarrassed for his actions. He’d gotten carried away, he hadn’t meant to cause so much trouble. But Luke’s heart still pounded with anxiety, stomach turning. 

“I should get going, don’t want to be too late to dinner.” He forced out, already pulling up the door to escape the space, now too warm, too small. The sky was already dark and dinner would be packed away by the time he returned home, and Han knew, but he didn’t call him out on it. He watched him go, face unreadable. The door slammed shut before Luke could linger on his face. 

The street felt cold despite the warm air, lonely and empty. Luke’s footsteps were soft, and he still heard the soft music in his ears, moments in the treehouse playing over and over in his mind. He’d overreacted, made something out of nothing. 

He kicked a rock, sending it into a patch of grass without a sound. The silence around him was suffocating. 

xx

A few days passed with nothing but radio silence from the Solo household. Luke didn’t blame him for needing some time away from him, after the night in the treehouse. He wasn’t eager to speak with Han himself, there was now a tension between the two he didn’t want to deal with. Leia wasn’t as understanding, demanding Luke explain to her why Han wouldn’t speak to them. Luckily for Luke, on the third day, Han showed up outside their door. 

“Hey, big daddy, the twins home?” 

Luke heard him talking to his father from his perch at the top of the staircase, and hesitated in his place. Leia ventured out of her room to listen in, grinning at seeing their friend after what seemed like far too long to her. 

“Yes, of course.. If you’re taking them somewhere, you’d better have them home before curfew this time.” Their father eyed Han with distrust, sighing and calling up to the twins. “Luke, Leia, your friend is here.” 

He retreated to the back room before the two made it down the stairs, Leia masking her happiness to see him with disinterest. Luke hung back a few steps behind her, but Han’s easy smile put him at ease. 

“Sorry about the time off, been working on fixing the falcon. Got a surprise for you guys.” He grinned, nodding behind him at his car parked in the driveway. Last time they’d seen it, it had been crashed, after a wild night on the town. Now it looked brand new, shining in the morning sunshine. “You cats up for a day on the road?” 

Luke whistled at the vehicle as they made their way outside, running a hand across the side of it affectionately. They’d spent many a night in the old thing. 

“She’s looking pretty fly, I’m impressed.” He admitted, smiling over at Han, who looked proud of his work, sliding into the front seat. 

“You should see how she runs, get in here!” He called, the twins feeding off his excitement and sliding into their normal arrangement, Leia leaning forward to speak to the two from her seat in the back. 

“And where are you thinking of taking us, exactly?” She smiled despite herself, excited for a chance to get away from their boring lives for just a day. Han always knew how to excite the two, knew the perfect way to draw them out of themselves, make them forget about their worries. 

“The moon, baby.” Han laughed, pulling the car out of the driveway and down the road, zooming down the empty early morning streets. The top was down, wind blowing strong against them all, Leia’s braid swinging out behind her. Luke felt himself let go, throwing his arms in the air and feeling the resistance of the air against them. He let out a holler, although it was swallowed up by the engine humming, wheels gripping the pavement beneath them as they rushed forward. 

Luke reached forward and turned the music up, the muffled notes drifting out of the car’s interior. As soon as the vocals began he heard Leia singing in his ear, shouting above the noise. They turned a sharp corner and Leia slid across the backseat, thrown into the side door with a laugh. Han glanced back at her, grinning and shouting out an apology. 

Han’s driving was always reckless, and faster than anyone should go. Every corner was a death trap, and every straight was an opportunity for Han to floor it. Luke wondered how they’d survived so many drives with him. Despite all his recklessness, Han had real skill behind the wheel. It came naturally to him, he could afford all the risks and tricks. The cops weren’t too fond of him, so they tended to keep to back roads and far out of town as they could manage. Today they headed towards the outskirts of town, grass patches turning to sand until they were surrounded by orange, dust flying up under the tires. 

In the backseat Leia was getting caught up in the excitement of the ride, grabbing onto Luke and Han’s seats and standing slowly, trying to get her balance in the vehicle. Han laughed at her attempts, cheering her on, while Luke began to panic. 

“Sit down! Now’s not the time for tricks!” 

Leia waved him off, finally getting her balance and letting her hands go, throwing them up in the air. The car continued to speed down the road, and Leia looked like a queen, standing tall above them, dress flying back in the wind. Everything seemed to go silent for a moment as she cheered, voice echoing out in the dry air. Watching her, Luke found himself caught up in the moment. He screamed out with her, and soon Han was following suit. They drowned out the music, voices rising above the sounds of the car completely, surely loud enough people for miles could hear them. 

Leia fell down back into her seat, laughing and grabbing onto her boys, squeezing their shoulders. Luke was glad to see her let go for once, let go of all of her worries and just be. He turned to Han and found rather than staring at Leia, he was focused on Luke. They locked eyes and Han turned back to the road, smiling out at the path ahead. In the split second he’d caught him, Luke had been held paralyzed by his gaze. The air rushed past his ears and Leia’s laughter seemed distant, and Luke felt so infinitely small. There was so much life in him, screams of his own still bouncing around his chest, potential that longed to break free. 

He watched Han. The moment clung onto him, Han’s eyes staring deep into his own. He was afraid of himself, shaking with every emotion welling up inside of him. He’d never been so afraid of what he knew he could do. To reach out and touch, to hold. He was hurtling forward faster than the car he sat in, and he found no way to hold himself back. 

xx

When they finally left Han’s car, stumbling back onto solid ground like they’d been out to sea for years, Luke nearly bolted for the front door. Han waved goodbye from the car, taking off down the road again, quickly disappearing behind a corner. Leia was slow, still held in a trance from the day’s ride, but Luke has been snapped back to reality, his stomach in knots. He headed past his father in the living room up to his parents’ room, finding his mother sitting in a chair with a book. She set it down as soon as Luke came in, giving her son her full attention. 

She’d always been his favourite parent. Kind and compassionate, always willing to listen to his problems. Where his father was harsh and unforgiving, she was a gentle touch, a warm hug. Luke and her were kindred spirits, both wanting to believe in the good in others, always forgiving and reaching out, even when their open arms were slapped down. Leia was more like their father, harsh and quick witted, able to hold grudges long after the offence should have been forgiven. Of course he still loved them both. He still remembered his father tucking him in at night, the way he smiled at the twins like they were the world to him. Watching him come home from work, the way his parents used to embrace like he’d been gone for years. He tried everyday to see that person in his father again. 

But until that man returned, his mother was all he had. 

For all she was forgiving, he wasn’t sure she would forgive what he was, what he longed to tell her. No matter how much he covered his feelings with lies, she would see through them. She would see the real him, and he wasn’t sure he could handle her reaction. He couldn’t even bring himself to think the word, fearing the moment he did it would become permanent. He still held out hope perhaps it would change. Someday he would look at Han and feel nothing more than a longing for friendship. Someday he would be normal. 

“What is it, Luke?” His mother asked him, standing from her chair and walking over, clearly seeing the look of horror on her son’s face. “Has something happened?” 

The second she reached out to touch him, he couldn’t help himself, grabbing onto her like he was a child again, burying his face in her shoulder. She held him tightly, not pressing him to explain, waiting until he was ready to tell. He didn’t think he’d ever be ready, but he forced the words out regardless, knowing he owed it to his mother to tell her. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Was all that came out, apologies muffled against the fabric of his mother’s dress. His frame shook, but his mother smoothed his hair, the same way she had when he was just a child, overwhelmed by the weight of the world he held up. He heard his own sobs but he felt disconnected from them, as though this wasn’t something that could be happening to him. For all he wanted to deny it, he knew it to be true. 

The quiet nights he’d lied next to Biggs, watching his face in the light of the moon, scooting close until he felt his warmth next to his. The innocent dance between them, the way his heart had nearly beat out of his chest, far more nervous in that moment than he’d been dancing with a classmate. Every time he’d stared at Han across the classroom, looking to him for escape. The way Han had held his and pulled him close, chest about to burst. How much he had wanted to kiss him, unable to admit that was the feeling he was experiencing. He didn’t want to be different. 

“Luke, what have you done?” She sighed against his head, and the last bit of hesitation he had let go, words spilling out hushed and rapid into the quiet room. 

“I’ve tried so hard to stop it, I’m sorry” Each word punctuated with a sob, he pulled away to face his mother, meeting her eyes, shame filling him. “I’m so gone for him, ma, I didn’t want to be, I’m so sorry--” 

His mother cut him off, pulling him back into a hug, squeezing him as tightly as she could. She felt so fragile against him, shaking as tears leaked out of her eyes. Her voice shook like her hands did against his back. 

“Don’t tell your father, Luke, don’t you say a word to anyone else.. We’ll fix this.” 

The words strangely lacked the comfort his mother had intended to give, leaving him feeling empty. His heart ached for his mother to tell him it was alright, but no such words came. He went to bed and dreamed of Han holding him, telling him it was okay, that he loved him. He woke up crying, feeling sick to his stomach with himself. 

xx

The next dinner the family has together is more tense than any before it. Luke’s mother stares at him, and he can almost feel her fear and revulsion with him in the air around them. He barely eats, moving his food around his plate, looking anywhere but the accusing eyes of his mother. His father is suspicious, but finds himself distracted from the quiet tension, bickering with his daughter from across the dinner table. 

“There’s no reason for you to go to college, Leia. You can leave school, get married, start a family like your mother and I did, that’s all you need.” Their father had always hated Leia’s ambition, refusing to see it came from himself. She wanted to continue her studies, make something of herself, but her father refused to support her. Luke had always hated the topic of conversation, wishing he could offer his own college fund to his sister. His father was willing to force him into a law school that he wanted nothing to do with, while his sister asked for just enough money to get herself enrolled and was refused. 

“There’s plenty of reason: I want to go!” She shot back, slamming her silverware down next to her plate with a clatter, surely scraping the tabletop in the process. 

Their father stood suddenly, chair scraping against the floor so loudly Luke flinched. Their mother stood suddenly, grabbing his arm in an attempt to calm him down. She was the only one who had ever been able to bring him down from his fits, just her touch lessening the intensity of his gaze. 

He relaxed his grip, but the glare he had fixed on his daughter stayed. 

“Go to your room.” 

Luke sighed in relief the punishment hadn’t been any worse, but Leia didn’t sound so thankful. 

“Get bent!” She called over her shoulder as she stormed away, bedroom door slamming and shaking the walls. Luke’s father sat back down slowly, his mother finally releasing her grip on his arm and returning to her own seat. Luke suddenly felt all eyes on him, his mother’s look warning and his father’s inquisitive. 

“You’re quiet tonight.” He remarked, recalling the other times when Luke had rushed to his sister’s defence against their father. His silence was unusual, and hadn’t gone unnoticed. 

“Uh, I’m feeling a little sick.. May I be excused?” He tried, politely as he could, hoping to return to the safety of his room, away from his father’s searching eyes. 

The man simply nodded and Luke shot out of his seat, climbing the stairs two at a time, full plate left forgotten at the table. His mother and father began to whisper behind him, but he paid them no mind, closing the door and blocking out the drama of his household. As soon as he flopped back in his bed he grabbed the phone by his bedside, dialing Han’s number on instinct. He was always able to calm Luke down from whatever events had transpired that evening, not ever asking what was wrong, simply knowing exactly what it was Luke needed. 

“Solo residence.” Han’s mother answered the phone, sounding cheerful as usual. Luke had always been a fan of hers, her kind smile and acceptance of the twins as near children of her own. 

“Hi Mrs. Solo, is Han around?” He knew she’d recognize his voice instantly, with the frequency he was around, not bothering to explain who was calling. 

“Oh I’m afraid not, honey, he went out earlier this morning and hasn’t come home yet.” She sounded sorry to say so, but there was still a hint of a polite smile in her voice. “Would you like me to tell him to call you back later?” 

“Oh, no, that’s alright. I’ll call again some other time.” He smiled, trying to keep hold of a polite tone in face of the disappointment. “Thank you.” 

He hung the phone up before the woman could rope him into conversation about how his mother and father were, as she tended to. He didn’t blame her, but he wasn’t sure he could face the topic now. Not with the memory of his mother crying like he had told her he was going to die. Like she had lost a son. He may be broken, but he was still there. 

Luke stared up at the ceiling, hearing the muffled banging of his sister throwing something against their shared thin wall. The repetition of it relaxed her, she claimed, but Luke was sure it was just a need to get her anger out. She could never contain her emotions like Luke could, letting them erupt out of her like projectiles. Even her happiness overflowed like an eruption, turning something innocent into something violent. Luke wished he possessed her ability to be driven by emotion. 

He imagined himself back in the treehouse, Han pulling him close, breath warm and soft against Luke’s lips. This time, he let the beating of his heart drive him upward, lips finding Han’s, eyes closed tight and mind solely focused on the feeling of his friend against him. 

He threw the image away, shoving it back in his mind. 

‘We’ll fix this.’

He would fix this. He had to fix this.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sometimes the thing you pretend to be is better than the reality.” He whispered, not intending for Han to hear, but his friend turned to him as though he had shouted the statement. 
> 
> “There’s nothing you could pretend to be that would be better than who you are.” His voice was angry, shaking, eyes intense and trained on Luke. The words hit him at his core, and although Han had delivered them with so much feeling, Luke couldn’t help but think that Han didn’t know the real him. All he knew was the person he pretended to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this was rough to get done! But I managed, and it's still Sunday (at least where I am). Sorry, I know it's late for a lot of you guys, I forgot to warn you I'm on the West coast, so my Sunday updates may be Monday updates for a few of you!! 
> 
> I apologize if this chapter is a little lacking, I was visiting family from Thursday to Sunday, so a lot of my writing time was cut off! I wrote the last half of the chapter in the bus on my way home-- it's a four hour ride, I had plenty of time. And I am still on that bus now. The things I do for you guys. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter!

Leia found him in his room the next morning, sitting on the edge of his bed and shaking him awake more gently than he was used to. Maybe she saw how fragile he felt. Some said twins could sense things about one another without words, and in that moment Luke thought he may believe it. She looked serious in the morning light, only a few of the sun’s rays slipping in past his heavy curtains. He sat up, fingers clutching onto the blankets around him to ground himself, feeling like a ghost floating from his form. 

“Why are you up so early?” He asked, the clock beside him blurry through his sleep heavy eyes, but still clearly read it was only eight in the morning, far earlier than his sister normally rose. She raised a finger to her lips, shushing him. When she spoke, it was only a whisper. 

“I wanted to talk to you without the keepers listening in.” She shifted onto his bed further, crossing her legs over her brother’s. “I heard you talking to mother the other night.” 

His heart nearly stopped, clenching up in his chest like his fingers did around the fabric of his bedspread. 

“What did you hear?” He attempted to keep his voice at a whisper, but it was shaky, terrified. He struggled to keep it under control. “You probably misheard, I don’t even remember what I said, it wasn’t anything important, you should just forget about it--” 

“Cut the gas and listen to me.” Her voice was soft but commanding, her hand reaching out and wrapping around his wrist, firm and comforting. “I’m not mad. I… Understand.” 

Luke stared at his sister, silence hanging in the air like an anvil above them about to fall. She looked sincere, almost afraid. It was a shock to see her looking so vulnerable. 

“What do you mean?” He whispered, urging her on. 

“I’ve.. Considered dating girls. I could. I want to.” She finished on, letting out a breath. “I still like boys, I just.. like both.” 

Leia’s hand on his wrist, he felt for the first time a sort of strength in his feelings. The comfort his mother had been unable to give him, Leia did. He admired his sister, would never think less of her for this. It didn’t make her less. It didn’t make him less. But where he had only ever loved boys, Leia had loved both. Leia could be happy with both, could grow old with a husband and children, while he couldn’t. He could never be happy with a wife, he knew. Maybe Leia was stronger than he was, able to accept what was appropriate, able to overcome what he couldn’t. 

When Luke didn’t answer her, she spoke on. 

“Who is it? Who’s the boy?” She looked at him almost eagerly, happy to have this secret to share between them. They’d always been close, but it had been years since they whispered in the night and shared their most secret thoughts with each other. It felt strangely nostalgic, this quiet morning. 

Despite her enthusiasm, he was afraid to say Han’s name aloud. Afraid she wouldn’t be alright with it if she knew it was their best friend. That she’d feel the need to tell him, feeling like Luke was tricking Han into a bond he didn’t want by pretending to be friends when really he wanted more. In all honesty, all he wanted was a relationship with Han. Any sort he could get. He was alright staying friends with him as they had been for years, not changing a thing. 

“Han.” Luke’s voice shook with shame as he whispered his name. Leia only smiled gently back. 

“He’s a good choice.” Her laugh echoed through the quiet house, easing some of the discomfort in Luke’s chest. She cleared her throat and lowered her voice, doing her best impression of her twin. “‘Oh, Han, your car is so fly, and you look so sharp in that jacket.. Let’s make out on the hood tonight.’” She dropped the voice as she let out a louder laugh, Luke reaching out and trying to cover her mouth, cheeks red with embarrassment. 

“I don’t sound like that at all!” 

The two fought, Luke eventually remembering his sister’s ticklish sides and attacking them, causing her to yelp and fly off of the bed, falling with a crash to the floor. They were both in stitches when their father slammed the door open, looking murderous with deep bags under his eyes. The two were silent in a matter of seconds. 

“I woke up thinking someone was being murdered in here with all the screaming. What’s all this about?” He looked at the twins accusingly, both silent. 

“Sorry, pops, we were just rough housing. We’ll quiet down.” Luke piped up eventually, not feeling in the mood to get in a shouting match with his father. The older man nodded, sighing and heading back down the hall to his bedroom. The twins looked at each other once before breaking back out into a fit of laughter, both muffling the sound with pillows and shushing one another. 

Luke forgot to feel disgusted with himself in the midst of it all. With the smile on his sister’s face and the laughter in the air he almost wondered how anything about them could be wrong. 

xx

Each time Luke passed his mother in the house, he felt her cold hands reach out and pull him over, voice hushed. She looked like she was sharing a dark secret, pushing him into the unlit hallway. 

“Have you thought about just trying? Just trying it out, I know you’ve never spoken of a girl, maybe you’ll find it won’t be so bad.” 

The worst thing about the exchange was how sincere she looked, how much she seemed to believe this was the solution they’d been searching for. Like she had solved the riddle to why she ran a broken home, that her son wasn’t flawed, just making no effort. Just lacking the drive to try. 

He tried to picture himself holding a girl’s hand, as he had attempted so many times before. He imagined them walking and laughing, dancing and kissing, their wedding night, their children. It felt like an elaborate fairytale. The man in the pictures weren’t him, they only shared the same face. 

“Please, just try, for us.” She smiled at him and squeezed his hand before she was off down the hall again, leaving Luke standing alone in the shadows. As though he had never thought of his family, of the looks on their faces when he had to tell them he would never marry. That he would never raise a child, never give them a grandchild to meet. Every move he made he thought of his mother’s face, his father’s shouts. Leia’s quiet support. Despite everything she had given him, that strength to keep moving despite the knowledge his future was doomed, his parent’s words were louder. Every kind word she had said was washed away with one look of pity from his mother. 

xx

Leia was at a piano lesson under the watchful eye of her father when Luke slipped out the door and into the evening air. The sky was purple, still glowing from the imprint of the sunset that had passed. The street lamps flickered on as Luke walked down the street, lighting yellow circles against the grey pavement. Han’s house wasn’t a long way off from his own, only a couple streets, and he didn’t mind the walk. 

It was nice to relax, just listening to the silence and still air. It gave him time to think. Although that wasn’t always a good thing. His mind wandered to things he had shoved down all day, the things he wanted desperately from others. Images of Han flooded his mind, snippets of moments and scenes, some from as long ago as they day they met. Luke was good at holding his emotions back, but he wasn’t perfect. 

Each picture that slipped past left him with a queasy feeling in his stomach. Han was a comfort, he was light. Being around Han made him feel safe in a way his home couldn’t, made him feel loved in a way different than his mother’s embrace did. And yet being around Han made him sick. Every lingering touch burned as much as it soothed, and every bit of love he felt he was quick to hate himself for. The good couldn’t outweigh the bad, he assured that himself. 

Han’s house glowed, porch light casting a shadow out behind Luke as he approached it. His heart was in his throat, but he pushed on. He had it made it this far, he refused to go back to his house and its suffocating atmosphere.

He rang the doorbell, and the second the door opened to reveal Han’s smiling face, he felt just a small bit of tension leave him. A new sickness, however, settled in his throat. 

“Luke! What are you doing here?” Han pulled him inside, already heading down the hall to his bedroom, glancing back at his friend. “Been a few days, I was starting to think you were bored with me.” 

“I tried to ring you, but you weren’t around.” He glanced around the familiar household, at the childhood photos of Han on the wall, posing with his parents. A few of the later pictures showed him with his adoptive brother, Chewie, as Han always called him. He was older, off at college now, but he had been around for the first year Luke knew Han. He was the quiet type, didn’t talk much to him and Leia, but he was always kind. Han loved him more than anything, Luke knew. The two were closer than any blood siblings ever were, himself and Leia included. They had a bond like no other. “Heard from Chewie lately?” 

Han grinned at the mention of his name, throwing open his bedroom door and plopping down onto his bed. Luke closed the door carefully behind him, hearing the quiet click as it slid shut. 

“He wrote home last week. He’s been doing pretty good for himself, I have to admit.” He smiled fondly before turning his gaze to Luke. “Speaking of siblings, where’s Leia? Didn’t feel like stopping by?” 

“She’s under house arrest. Today’s torture was piano lessons.” He rolled his eyes, recalling her protests. “Hasn’t done them since she was nine, but dad insisted. Doesn’t think she’s enough of a lady.” 

“That girl’s never gonna be a lady, trust me.” Han laughed. “So you split and left her to suffer?” 

“Couldn’t stand another second of that house.” He groaned, leaning back in his chair and running a hand through his hair. He recalled the looks his mother had given him every time he passed, the whispered conversation she’d tried to have with him, urging him just to try. He was sick of it all. He felt the familiar bile in his throat. 

Han stopped his joking, frown forming on his face. He studied Luke’s face, waiting for him to continue, but Luke couldn’t force another word out. Tears were already welling up, unstoppable and burning as he blinked them out. 

“Everything’s just..” Luke searched for a way to explain it to his friend, but he was cut off by his own sob, shocking himself as everything spilled out for Han to see. His frame shook, his vision clouded by tears. The image of his mother was still burned into his mind, promising him they’d fix him, fix it, fix everything. 

Fix what? 

He hadn’t even registered Han moving across the room, hovering awkwardly above him, arms wrapped tight around his back as best he could from where he stood. His fingers were gentle, combing through his hair. 

“It’s okay, hey, breathe..” He whispered, hands warm and body solid, Luke found himself clinging to his friend, fingers gripped tight in the fabric of his sweater. 

“You’re fine.. You’re okay…” 

“I’m sorry..” He whispered out, ashamed to be showing so much of himself, all the emotion he’d always managed to hold back before. He wanted to pull away from his friend, but his grip was strong and sure, holding Luke close. 

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” Han said firmly, but Luke felt tears in his hair, dripping silently down his friend’s face. He didn’t say a word about them, just squeezed Han back, hoping his own embrace would be as much of a comfort as Han’s was to him. 

xx

Once Luke had calmed down, the two had made their way outside, climbing up the old tree in Han’s front yard just to feel the evening breeze tickle their toes. Han watched his every movement, probably trying to judge when Luke would next break. He didn’t know what to tell him, he was full of cracks, nearly shattered, it could happen at any second. The slightest bump and he was in pieces on the floor. The ground below them looked dizzying, so far away, so easy to fall to. His feet dangled in the open space, looking almost blurry in the dark. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Han tried, looking over to Luke from where he sat, lying comfortably between two branches, wood creating a sort of hammock he slid perfectly into. 

“No.” He did. He just couldn’t. 

The two were silent, listening to the sound of a car passing on the street below, headlights illuminating the boys briefly. Luke caught a glimpse of Han’s eyes, looking tired and red. He looked so immensely sad. Luke felt responsible. He owed him an explanation, even if it wasn’t the full truth. 

“My ma’s pressuring me to.. go work with my dad. She thinks I’m lying about not wanting to study law, that I just don’t like it because I haven’t tried it yet.” 

Han frowned, sitting up with a jolt. “That’s a load, you don’t need to do something to know you don’t like it. I haven’t jumped off a building but I know I don’t want to.” 

Luke laughed softly, holding onto the branch he sat on tightly. 

“I know. She thinks there’s something wrong with me for not wanting to go.” He sighed, closing his eyes, trying to block out the image of his mother. “She thinks she’s helping.” 

“Forcing your kid to be something he’s not isn’t helping anyone. She should know that.” Han stewed silently after the outburst, arms crossed over his chest. Luke didn’t know how to feel. Han’s words were comforting, though given under false pretences. It was hard to find real reassurance in words meant to mean something entirely different. Still, in the silence of the night Luke imagined Han reaching out to grab his hand, strong and steady. His smile warm, his words whispered and soft. 

“Sometimes the thing you pretend to be is better than the reality.” He whispered, not intending for Han to hear, but his friend turned to him as though he had shouted the statement. 

“There’s nothing you could pretend to be that would be better than who you are.” His voice was angry, shaking, eyes intense and trained on Luke. The words hit him at his core, and although Han had delivered them with so much feeling, Luke couldn’t help but think that Han didn’t know the real him. All he knew was the person he pretended to be. 

xx

Han insisted on walking Luke home, not giving Luke any time to argue before he had followed him out the door. He was quiet, but his presence was loud, motions more comforting than words could be. Their fingertips brushed as they walked close together, Han’s hands radiating a gentle warmth. Each time they touched Han would look to Luke, studying his face as though the contact had been purposeful, as though he was judging his reaction to each brief touch. 

Luke looked over at him and smiled after the fifth time he caught Han watching him, raising a laugh from his friend, Han’s arm wrapping around his shoulders as he did. Luke’s face felt warm as he pressed himself closer to Han, feeling perfectly made to fit into the space at Han’s side, like his missing puzzle piece. He believed nothing could be more perfect until Han’s hand trailed down his side to settle on his waist.

Neither said a word, refusing to ruin the simple perfection of the motion, of the moment. It meant nothing, Luke told himself. It meant nothing until he asked, so he stayed silent, hoping to prolong the innocence of it all. The feeling of Han’s strong hand firm against his hip was a comfort, like everything about Han. It was different, the feeling of physical affection from Han. His words meant more than he knew, but this was something else completely. It was more than Luke deserved, but he clung to it. 

As they walked up the winding path to Luke’s front porch, Han moved farther away, nearly falling off the concrete trail as he untangled himself. The air felt empty and still with his absence. At the front steps, Luke felt the urge again to lean onto his tiptoes and press his lips to Han’s, to kiss him in the simplest and most innocent of ways. Han leaned in, and Luke’s heart leapt, but Han simply wrapped his arms firm around him, pulling him in tightly for a hug. 

“G’night, kid.” Han said softly, already backing down the steps and back into the dark. Luke waved, sending him a small smile, although he wasn’t sure his friend could see it through the night. 

The moment passed, an opportunity lost. He wished he had kissed him, for once not wishing he hadn’t thought to in the first place. The idea sat gentle in his chest, breathing steady and sure. 

Someday. Someday, he would. 

xx

“How did it go?” Leia was sat at his desk waiting when Luke finally arrived in his room, tired, heart heavy in his chest. She looked eager to hear how his evening had gone, already knowing he had spent it with Han. He supposed it made sense, Han was the only friend he really had. Whenever he was gone, it was safe to assume he had gone to see him. “Did you tell him?” 

“Are you writing a book?” He brushed off her inquiries, rolling his eyes as he tugged off his jacket, falling onto the mess of blankets currently hiding his bed. 

“Tell me.” She pressed, leaning forward in her seat, scooting closer to the bed. Being held under house arrest wasn’t good for her, it only made her more antsy. If their father had intended the punishment to calm her down, he’d failed miserably. To deprive Leia of something only made her want it that much more. 

“Nothing happened.” He answered truthfully, puffing out his cheeks as he blew his bangs away from his eyes, refusing to get as excited about the evening as his sister was. He wasn’t sure he wanted to share the knowledge of what had happened with anyone, even Leia. He didn’t think she couldn’t be trusted, the moment just felt too intimate, too personal to ever share. It was his and Han’s alone. “How was piano?” 

She let out a groan at the question, falling back in her seat. 

“It was horrific, and father didn’t leave the room once. This place feels more like prison every day. I don’t see why my wanting to go to college offends him so much!” She had risen to her feet now, pacing across the small space between the furniture, bare feet pounding against the carpet. “God forbid I learn something! Of all people, you would think he would understand wanting to make a name for himself!” 

Their father had come from nothing, and he never let his kids forget it. He had grown up in a small town, his mother dying when he was young, never having known his father. The whole story was old and tired, although it still seemed to upset their father as though it had only happened the day before. Luke remembered his mother holding his father’s hand the first time he told the twins, the two of them only been nine at the time. They hadn’t understood most of the story, but they had both climbed into his lap, wrapping their short arms around him as best they could. Now the story was only shouted as the teenagers slammed doors, only cited when Leia raised her voice at the dinner table, only used to put them in their place. 

“I’m sorry.” He said simply, not knowing how else to comfort his sister. He didn’t understand what it was like to be underestimated by their father, looked at as though he was incapable of even trying. 

Leia sat back down, quietly glaring at the floor. Luke scooted to the edge of the bed and rested a hand on her back, hoping his presence was at least a small comfort. His twin turned to him, look softening suddenly. She smiled at him, leaning over into his side, letting out a sigh. The clock beside them ticked away, the floorboards squeaking as Leia shifted in her chair. 

“He’ll give in. Eventually.” 

xx

“Three shakes?” The waitress rushed over to their table, sliding their glasses across the slick surface of the table before running off to the next table over. The diner was packed with people, every table filled to its capacity, drinks sloshing onto the floor with the dramatic gestures of the diners. Despite all of the noise and chaos in the small place, it was Leia’s favourite restaurant, the one she was sure to drag her friends to every chance she got. Luke wasn’t a fan of it, with all of the noise and opportunity for confrontation, but he braved the spot for his sister’s sake. 

The jukebox behind them flipped over to the next song, raising excited shouts from a few of their peers over at the counter. Luke heard the tapping of Han’s feet beneath the table, toes of this shoes clicking against the tile. His mind wandered to the night in the treehouse, but he pulled himself off of that particular train of thought, focusing instead on the conversation at the table. 

“I wouldn’t do either!” Leia took a sip from her milkshake, piercing Han with a skeptical gaze. 

“You have to choose one!” Han laughed, pointing at her accusingly. “It’s if you had to do one or the other, not choose not to participate in either.” 

“This game is ridiculous.” Luke’s sister huffed, turning away from Han to watch a group of girls who had left their seats to dance to the music, laughing and bumping into the backs of chairs, pulling the attention of nearly every guy in the diner. Leia was mesmerized, while Luke continued to watch Han’s fingers as they fiddled with his straw, full of energy. Leia snapped her attention back to the table, startling Luke. “I don’t know why you insist on having ridiculous conversations every time we get together.” 

“I like them.” Han said simply, shoving his straw back into his drink. 

“I don’t.” Leia shot back, looking to her brother for support. Luke held his hands up, refusing to argue against either his sister of Han, happy to instead watch as they bickered.

“Well, ain’t that a bite?” Han rolled his eyes, turning to Luke. “Alright, you choose. Which would you do.” 

Luke panicked, not wanting to admit he had spaced out and missed what the options even were, instead paying all his attention to what Han’s extremities were doing. He didn’t suppose Han would take that excuse well. 

“Uh, the second one. For sure.” 

Han whistled, letting out a laugh and reaching over to clap him on the shoulder. 

“You’re wild, kid!” 

Leia stifled a laugh, knowing her brother too well to assume he knew anything about what he had just chosen. Han still grinned at Luke from his seat, Luke offering a nervous smile back. The diner around them roared with music and shouts, the clicking of heels as the girls danced around the open space. Luke felt overwhelmed by the sheer volume of everything, sinking into himself to escape it. Leia still looked thrilled to be there, watching the movement of everything around them. Han’s grip on his shoulder softened into something lighter, an anchor in the chaos. 

“Hey, you wanna get out of here?” Han asked and Luke nodded without thinking, feeling himself already standing from the booth, heading towards the door. Behind him Leia shouted at Han, a short exchange between them before Han followed Luke, heels tapping against the floor as he followed. The gentle thrum of Han’s dance steps from that night echoed in Luke’s ears until they reached the open air of the parking lot, sounds of the diner now muffled by the heavy glass doors. 

“Leia?” He asked, turning to face Han. 

“Staying behind.” Luke saw his sister through the glass, heading towards the group of dancing girls, looking almost nervous in her movements. It wasn’t a surprise she had wanted to stay, with all they had to offer. 

“You can stay too, if you want.” Luke offered, sitting down on the curb, feeling the anxiety draining out of him in the silence, comforted by the space around him. Han sat down beside him, leg brushing against his own, still warm through the material of his jeans. 

“I’ve got somewhere to take you, actually.” 

xx

The two walked in silence most of the trip, heading out to the forest behind the building, ducking over branches and jumping over fallen trees, the path to wherever they were headed looking as though it hasn’t been visited in years. Luke wanted to ask Han why he knew of this spot, why he had ever come through this way in the first place, but Han looked concentrated on his movements, recalling the exact path he himself had taken before, Luke felt it would be rude to distract him. 

They finally arrived in a clearing, a river running through the space, quiet and glistening in the patches of sunlight that made their way through the thick layer the trees made above them. Luke immediately felt at peace in the place, Han grinning as he watched the tension leave his friend’s shoulders. 

“Lot quieter than the diner, thought you might like it.” Han touched Luke’s shoulder as he passed, kicking off his shoes and heading towards the water. “May as well cool off while we’re out here.” 

Han sat on a rock by the edge, dipping his feet into the water as Luke headed towards him, taking his own shoes off as he walked over. The water was cool, soothing in the afternoon’s harsh heat. Even in the shade, the air felt dry and warm. He watched as Han trailed his feet through the water, creating ripples that tickled Luke’s legs. The water droplets clung to the bottom of his pant legs, but he couldn’t bring himself to worry about it. 

“Why did you find this place?” Luke asked, finally, keeping his voice quiet. It wasn’t the sort of thing he had imagined Han did in his spare time, sitting quietly in the forest and dipping his toes in rivers. He always pictured him on the move, running and headed somewhere, even when he didn’t quite know where. 

Han shrugged in response, looking nervous, suddenly. 

“I was looking for somewhere to think, had a lot on my mind.” He stopped there, but Luke knew he had more to say. When Han let someone in, told them about his thoughts and invited them to ask like that, he held nothing back. It was an invitation to see who he was, beneath it all. Luke couldn’t help but take it. 

“Like what?” 

A bird chirped above them, the river moving calmly past their feet. The setting felt wrong for the conversation they were having, Luke feeling as though there should be a storm, a downpour even, anything but clear and silent skies. 

The thing about Han was he either talked too much about nothing, or too little about the important things. Han could talk to him for hours about his opinion on the colour of the house next door, he could spend days bickering with Leia over passing the salt, but when asked how he was, he would shrug and answer in a sentence or two. But they always meant so much, every little thing he felt— and Luke knew that was more than he let on— was packed into a few simple words, a look. When Chewie had left Luke asked Han if he was holding up alright, and he had said simply, “Nothing’s the same”. Leia had hugged him and the twins spent the night, lying awake and making sure Han slept through the night, knowing he hadn’t in weeks. He laid his whole self out in those few words, Luke knew, it was all he had to offer. 

This time felt different. Like Han was spending his time, going over exactly what to say, how to best say what he meant. He looked like the weight of the world was hanging on these words. 

Han stared at him and Luke became aware of just how close they sat, legs pressed against one another, fingers nearly on top of each other, resting in between them. Luke felt the world shrink, the only people in the world himself and Han. The rivers all led to this one, all time led to this moment, each ray of sun perfectly lighting the pair like they were beneath a spotlight. All of the air he had been breathing easily before ran out, his heart caught in his throat. Han’s eyes never moved.

“You.” 

He said the word softly, letting it sink in. Luke didn’t have time to think about what it meant, why Han had said it. His face said all of that and more. He couldn’t describe it if he wanted to, the expression on Han’s face was like nothing he had ever seen. Like Luke was air, like he was being drawn into him as a moth was to flame, like Luke was the first person he had ever seen. There was a sense of wonder, of need. In the treehouse, Han’s hands wrapped around his own, dwarfing his fingers. On the porch, the light soft and yellow, Han leaning in, the shadows moving across his face. The same instinct again, to reach, to touch. Before he could move, Han was there. 

His lips were chapped, soft against his own like the flicker of flames, illuminating the dark around them. Luke pressed forward until he felt fire burning in his throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember to leave kudos and comments if you enjoy! See you all next Sunday for chapter 3!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The trio found themselves riding bikes through the thick July air, heat radiating off the pavement they rode over, gliding down hills and searching for a place they had never been before. The Summer was drifting away, being swept up like a rug from under their feet. With everything happening, between Leia’s grounding and Luke and Han’s relationship developing, they hadn’t noticed the days passing. Today though, they took a hold of their lives and ran away, as far as they could go. 
> 
> The three headed for the forest, riding down dirt paths and around branches, searching for the point where the trodden path disappeared."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early update for everyone! Maybe that's exciting for some of you. Maybe most of you won't see this until Sunday anyways. Either way, enjoy!

Han’s hands are tangled in his hair, breath heavy against his parted lips. Luke finds he can’t choose a place on Han where he wants to touch the most, his fingers trailing down his back, across his stomach, over his arms. Water splashes as he pulls his feet out the river, throwing his whole self into Han, nearly sending him falling backwards off of his own seat. His lungs feel like they’re about to burst, begging him to let go. His fingers are slow to release their grip as he pulls away, nearly flinching back at the sight of what he had just done. 

Han stared over at him, eyes wide and grip marks from Luke’s fingers pressed into his shirt fabric. He leaned back over, pulling Luke back in, this time simply touching him. His fingers resting loosely at his waist, forehead almost touching Luke’s own. He looked terrified and excited, nearly shaking with energy. 

“What are we doing?” Han grinned when he said it, but the words hit Luke hard, piercing deep into his chest. 

He was terrified. He’d taken a step where he never should have gone, crossed the line he had only walked before. He felt a sob bubble up in his throat, coming out like a near scream in the quiet forest. A bird fluttered out of the trees above them, wing beats covered up by Luke’s cries. 

Han’s arms wrapped around him quickly, enveloping him in his warmth. He was gentle, fingers light and questioning against his back, testing the new territory. Luke huddled into him, immediately calming at Han’s accepting embrace. Han pressed a kiss onto the top of his head, lips barely ghosting Luke’s hair. He would deny it later, but tears were streaming down Han’s face as well, glistening in the sunlight of the afternoon. 

Luke pressed their lips together again, feeling the wetness of Han’s cheek as he ran a thumb over it, clinging onto him to forget everything that was wrong with what they were doing. Han pulled him with him as he slid off the rock he sat on, Luke landing on top of him in the soft grass. Tears still fell down his face, cries escaping his throat, muffled by Han’s lips against his own. 

Every time they kissed, it would be in secret. He would never walk down to the store with Han’s hand in his, he would never wake up next to him, he would never propose to him, or raise children with him. Every time they met, it would be in secret. In the silence of the woods, in a quiet alleyway at night, on the outskirts of town. He would have to watch Han get married someday, smile like he had never known what Han’s kisses felt like, like he had never felt his touch. 

The louder his sobs got the tighter he clung to Han, pressing his lips wherever he could. His cheeks, his forehead, his collarbone. He buried his face in the crook of Han’s neck, memorizing every detail of him he could. Even when he had to pretend this had never happened, he never wanted to forget. He wanted to be able to relive each moment until he died, because maybe then it would be like kissing Han every day. The closest thing he would ever be allowed to have. 

xx

The sky above them was growing dark, but Luke stayed pressed against Han’s side, unwilling to leave the clearing, feeling like the whole day was a dream. If he left it would all disappear, he would be back to his old life again. It would be hard to go back to, knowing what he was missing now. Knowing what he almost had. 

“It’s getting dark.” Han didn’t move, but whispered out in the quiet air. He didn’t seem eager to leave either, content to lay there with Luke until they rotted away, buried by the skeletons of leaves in the Fall. 

After a moment of silence from Luke, Han continued on, hesitant as though he was walking over unsteady ground, waiting for it to drop from under him. 

“Are we doing this?” 

Luke doesn’t have to ask what this is, he knows. Hiding, running into forests for a brief kiss, exchanging loving words behind closed doors, putting up a facade for their families. He knows how this is meant to work, how it has to work for them. He thinks about how much he didn’t want to run away from who he was, how he had told his mother. But this wasn’t running. This was surviving. 

Luke found Han’s hand in the dark, lacing his fingers with his and pressing a quick kiss to his cheek. 

“We’re gonna try.” 

xx

His father was sitting in the front room when Luke got home, Leia watching from the top of the stairs with a worried look on her face. Their father looked angry, leaned over with his eyes trained on his son. 

“Do you have any idea how late it is?” He asked, not waiting for Luke to answer before he pressed on. “Leia’s been home for hours, and didn’t know where you were. Do you have any idea how worried we were?” 

“I’m sure you were terrified, you just care so much about me, don’t you?” He hadn’t meant for the biting remark to slip out, but he had held back enough times when his father got like this, pretended he cared when Luke knew all he wanted was a successor. He didn’t care about his feelings, his well being, no, he only wanted him for work. 

“Luke..” He almost looked hurt, all the tension he had built up leaving him suddenly. For a moment, Luke saw the father he had looked up to as a child. The man who had put him on his shoulders and ran around the house, letting Luke pretend to fly. The man who had told Luke he could be anything he wanted, and agreed with Luke that a hero was a very good career choice. The man who tried his best to learn how to do Leia’s hair, laughing when their mother tried to show him and he got immediately lost. Leia always loved his attempts anyways, happily going to school with lopsided buns, hair falling out everywhere. 

“Don’t bother.” He didn’t let him continue, refusing to pretend the last few years hadn’t happened. He wouldn’t let him act like he hadn’t stopped saying I love you, hadn’t screamed at them more than he spoke, hadn’t slammed his fist against the table when Luke spoke out against him. He could pretend he was his old self, but he hadn’t been for a long time. 

Luke left him sitting there in silence, rushing up the stairs past his sister. Leia reached out to touch him, but he was gone before she could take hold. 

As soon as the door closed behind him, he felt his emotions taking hold of him again, his eyes burning with tears. He imagined the clearing again, Han’s touch, the blue skies. All the happiness of the day was drained by his home. The only safe place was his bedroom, where he could lock himself away and pretend his parents didn’t hate him. Pretend he was just five again, and the biggest thing he had to worry about was whether or not his dad would be home in time for dinner, or what his mom was cooking. 

Han’s fingers. Cool grass. Warm sun. 

His father’s voice, harsh and grating. His mother’s eyes, following him as he walked past.  
xx

“You’re kidding me!” Han clenched his fists, pacing back and forth across the small space in the treehouse. Luke sat in the corner, slumped against the wall, exhausted from recounting his encounters with his mother. He’d gone over the whole story, from his initial confession to the night before, when his mother had asked him if he’d met any girls recently, if there were any he thought were cute. He didn’t have the heart to say that would never happen. 

“Wish I was.” Luke responded, looking up at his friend as he stormed around. Han looked like he was nearly shaking with anger, a rant on the tip of his tongue. Luke had thought Han was angry about his story where his mother wanted him to be a lawyer, but now that reaction looked like polite disagreement in comparison. 

“What makes her think you need changing!? You aren’t hurting anyone! Why does she care!” Han looked like he was about to put his fist through the thin wood walls. Luke jumped up from his seat, grabbing Han’s fists and unclenching them, sliding his fingers between his instead. 

“You’re not the one who needs to change here.” Han stated simply, letting go of some of the tension in his frame. Luke was reminded of his mother holding his father when he blew up, calming him down with a simple brush of her fingers. Luke leaned against Han, burying his head in his chest, feeling Han’s heart beating quickly beneath his thin shirt. 

“Okay.” Luke released Han’s hands, wrapping his arms around his waist and squeezing him tightly. The treehouse was quiet, floor creaking as Han shifted to rest his arms against Luke’s back, light and hesitant. The two stayed still, Han’s heartbeat gradually slowing back down, a steady thump faint in Luke’s ear. 

“Okay.” Han whispered back, not sounding as though he believed the words. Luke was sure he was itching to do more, to go talk to his mother, to protest and scream in his front yard. Han didn’t like to take things sitting down, didn’t like to let Luke suffer without putting up a fight, stopping whatever it was that was hurting him. But he couldn’t take down the world single handedly. As much as he wanted to protect Luke from everyone, there was no way he could, especially not without putting himself in the line of fire. 

He would. Luke knew he would without a second thought. 

He didn’t ask. 

xx

Leia was curled up in her bed when Luke pushed the door open, the room covered in the darkness of the night. She sat up as soon as the hinges creaked, door closing softly behind Luke. He crept into the room and sat at the foot of her bed as Leia watched him curiously. She squinted at the clock by her bedside, red numbers displaying a faint 12:00. 

“What are you doing up?” Leia asked, scooting forward so she could whisper directly to her brother, knees pressed against his side. 

“I wanted to talk.” He turned to face her, twiddling his thumbs nervously. “About Han.” 

Leia didn’t answer, just waited for him to speak again. 

“At the diner.. He kissed me.” He let out a little laugh, quiet and nervous. 

“You’re kidding!” Leia still whispered, but her words were excited as she grabbed her brother’s arm, squeezing it tightly. Luke laughed, shaking his head with a grin. 

“He did.” 

“You’re on the hook, aren’t you?” She sat back, staring at her brother in disbelief. Luke understood why, it had been such a slim chance Han would feel the same, and be willing to act on it. Be willing to risk everything for him. 

Luke brushed her question off, face red but unseeable in the dark. 

“I think so.” He stared down at his feet, nervous grin only growing. Leia leaped forward, capturing her brother in a hug. Her arms were tight and she laughed in his ear, excitement spilling out of her. 

He knew she was happy for him, but maybe there was something more. Knowledge that maybe she could kiss a girl, maybe date one. That it was possible, that she could at least try. If Luke could do it, she could. There was a chance. There was hope. 

Leia calmed down, her laughter trailing off before she whispered again. 

“Are you afraid?” 

“Terrified.” 

xx

The trio found themselves riding bikes through the thick July air, heat radiating off the pavement they rode over, gliding down hills and searching for a place they had never been before. The Summer was drifting away, being swept up like a rug from under their feet. With everything happening, between Leia’s grounding and Luke and Han’s relationship developing, they hadn’t noticed the days passing. Today though, they took a hold of their lives and ran away, as far as they could go. 

The three headed for the forest, riding down dirt paths and around branches, searching for the point where the trodden path disappeared. Eventually they found themselves in a mess of overgrown plants covering the ground. They let their bikes fall, getting eaten by the flora as they all headed for a log to sit on, staring into the dense cluster of trees. It was dark where they were, all sunlight obstructed by branches and leaves. The shade was cool, welcome in the Summer heat. 

Leia kicked off her shoes, jumping up onto the log as she hiked up her long skirt, pulling it away from the dirty wood. She walked across the structure as Luke and Han sat, Luke quickly relaxing into his side. 

“Careful, wouldn’t want to mess up your hair, princess.” Han joked, watching as she hopped from their log to another, teetering slightly as she caught her balance. She rolled her eyes at him.

“That’s a big tickle.” She stated, deadpan, picking off a branch from above her. She waved it over at Han, raising an annoyed huff from him as he swatted it away. “What’s the matter, afraid of getting dirt on your nice white shirt?” 

Luke couldn’t keep himself from laughing, Han turning to him with an exaggerated look of hurt. 

“You’re supposed to support me, not take your sister’s side!” 

“Good relationships aren’t built on lies, Luke’s only doing what’s best.” Leia laughed herself, heading back over to the couple and sitting beside them. Han grumbled, lightening up slightly when Luke pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. Leia glanced away at the show of affection, allowing them their moment of peace. 

“What are you going to do about mother?” Leia asked the two, turning back to them, smile falling. “Are you going to tell her about Han?” 

Luke frowned. She was bad enough already thinking there was some hope, if he told her what he’d done he was sure she would take more drastic measures. Send him to live with his aunt and uncle on their farm. Send him to be fixed. Hide him away from any boys his age, hope he would change if she just isolated him enough. She would have to tell his father. 

“No.” Luke looked at the ground, taking a deep breath. He felt Han take his hand, squeezing it gently. “We can’t tell her. Or anyone.” 

“She’s gonna get suspicious, she’ll put two and two together if she knows you’re like that, and that Han’s been coming around a lot more.” Leia pointed out, worried about her brother’s safety. She knew what the risk was, now that her mother had one part of the story it wouldn’t be long before she learned it all. “What if I told her Han and I are going steady.” 

Both boys turned to her quickly, Han’s eyes wide and Luke looking almost protective. The words sunk in and Luke realized it wasn’t such a bad idea. He could have Han around all the time, and no one would ever think Han was gay. It was the perfect cover. 

“We should do it.” Luke rested a hand on Han’s shoulder, pulling his attention over. Han nodded slowly, still looking shocked at the thought. 

“Not a bad idea..” He muttered, pausing. “What about you? You need a cover.” 

“Well I’m not pretending to date him.” Leia joked, trying to lighten the mood. 

“I’m fine.” Luke shrugged Han’s concern off, ignoring his sister’s attempts at humour. “My ma already knows, not much I can do.” 

“You tell her you changed your mind. She’ll get off your back about it. You can make some chick up, say you aren’t ready for her to meet your keepers yet, your mom’ll just think she’s shy, it’s perfect!” Han seemed pleased at his idea, grinning now. 

Luke couldn’t help but be swept into the excitement, smiling at the thought of having a way out of the hole he had dug himself into. 

“Alright, what do we call her?” He asked, Leia leaning in excitedly, suggestions rolling off her tongue. 

“Mary? Jane?” 

“Mary Jane?” Han piped up, shrugging. 

“Mara Jade.” Luke laughed at the name, his friends following suit. Han clapped, wrapping an arm around Luke.

“Alright, Mara Jade, Luke Skywalker’s girlfriend. She’s a doll, the only girl who ever made your heart beat just a little faster!” 

“You wrote her a ballad and gave it to her between classes in the hallway because you were too nervous to talk to her.” Leia added to the ridiculous story, raising a laugh from her brother once again. “You’re so gone for her you want to have a couple of kids and marry her as soon as you can! Right out of school!” 

The three continued adding to the love story, laughing in the dark forest, nearly falling off the log as they got carried away with it all. The sky grew dark but the trio took no notice, happy to have found a solution to their problems, to have each other to get through this with. 

xx

“Oh, Luke, I’m so proud of you sweetie!” Luke’s mother was overjoyed the second he had brought up ‘Mara Jade’. “I told you you could do this. I knew you were strong enough.” 

She smoothed his hair and he smiled, feeling a sickness in the pit of his stomach as he did so. She looked happier than she had ever been. She had so much faith in him, believed he could be good and overcome this.. problem. This disease. She always saw the good in people, but Luke wasn’t sure this was what good really was. The good in him wasn’t his ability to love a girl, it was his ability to love. 

He didn’t hate his mother for her ideas. For wanting him to be able to exist and be happy in the world they lived in, to be normal. He wanted that for himself. If he could force himself to be happy any other way, he would in a heartbeat. The look in his mother’s eyes made him want to try again, to push himself harder. To be deserving of that look of praise, of her kind eyes and her embrace. Every lie that came out of his mouth was tricking her into caring about him, making her think he was someone who deserved her love and affection. 

He knew he couldn’t change. He knew it wasn’t his fault. But he also knew he didn’t deserve any love for being the person he was. 

“Thanks, ma.” He felt like he was about to cry, and his mother looked near tears herself, for an entirely different reason. “I’m gonna go.. ring her up, okay?” 

He lied through gritted teeth and tried not to notice at her excited grin as she pushed him out of her room. He ignored the nagging nausea in his stomach, running down the steps and out the back door. He found his way to the shed, sliding behind it, shoved against the fence with how small the space was. Han was waiting for him, hiding away and looking nervous. He offered a smile, hesitant and questioning. 

Luke didn’t bother answering, just threw himself into Han’s arms. He laughed as he pressed his lips against Han’s, trying to force the bad feelings out of his chest with his enthusiasm. Han laughed back, clinging onto Luke and lifting him up, holding onto his hips firmly. He leaned back against the shed and Luke could feel the grin on his lips, and forced his own to match. 

He still feels sick. 

xx

Han laid splayed out on Luke’s bed, arms tucked behind his head casually as he watched Luke change. At dinner Luke’s father had decided if Han was to spend the night he wouldn’t be allowed to sleep in Leia’s room, so he would have to stay with Luke. Han had nearly started laughing on the spot, but a swift kick from Leia under the table kept him under control. Now everyone had gone to bed, Leia shooting them a wink as she closed her door, whispering at them to keep quiet so she could sleep. 

Han whistled as Luke stripped his shirt off, causing Luke to throw the shirt at his face, hushing him as he finished stripping down. His parents were fast asleep by now, but he was still worried about someone hearing them, figuring out what they were doing. It would pay off to be extra cautious, Luke was sure. 

“Cool it.” Han whispered, pulling Luke closer beneath the blankets as he reached the bed. Han captured his lips, sighing happily as Luke relaxed against him, rolling over and pulling Han on top of him. Han started laughing at the gesture and Luke was quick to slap a hand over Han’s mouth, looking furiously at his boyfriend. 

“What are you doing!?” He whispered, removing his hands as Han managed to calm down. 

“Sorry, sorry!” Han whispered back, holding back another laugh. “I’m just happy, that’s all.” 

Luke couldn’t help but smile, pulling him back down to kiss him quickly. The house was still silent, the only sound Luke’s own heart threatening to beat out of his chest. Han shifted and the bed creaked, the noise harsh and jarring in the quiet. 

There was a soft knock on the door and Luke nearly had a heart attack, beginning to throw Han off of himself before light creeped in, illuminating Leia’s face in the doorway. 

“What are you two doing?!” She hissed, tiptoeing in and closing the door behind her. “I can hear you very well, are you trying to wake the house?!” 

Luke blushed as Han rolled off of him, groaning and running a hand through his hair. 

“Of course you can hear us, you two share a wall, you’d have to be deaf not to hear that.” Han looked exasperated with the overly cautious siblings, waving his hand dismissively as Leia began to rebuttal. “Ice it, we’ll be quiet. Go back to sleep.” 

Leia accepted the promise faster than Luke expected, although he suspected it had more to do with how tired she was, not with her being satisfied with Han’s word. As soon as the door closed behind her Han was back pressed against Luke, wrapping his arms around him and pressing his face into the crook of his neck. 

“Are you really going to be quiet now?” Luke whispered, leaning into Han’s warm side. 

“Yeah, yeah.” Han chuckled, kissing Luke’s collarbone lightly with a sigh. “I want to be invited back to do this again and I don’t think your dad will let me back in if he catches me making out with you.” 

Luke smiled and closed his eyes, almost drifting off to sleep as Han quieted down, comforted by his soft breath against his chest. Luke felt tears leaking out from Han's eyes, Han’s back shaking ever so slightly in the dark as tears rolled down his cheeks. He let out a little laugh, pressing a kiss to the puddle the tears had made on Luke's collarbone. Luke ran a hand over Han’s back, humming softly as he did so. Han smiled, whispering. 

“Thank you.”   
xx

Luke woke up to sun in his eyes and Han wrapped loosely around him, snoring softly, sheets kicked off of them in the night. Luke didn’t dare move, not wanting to wake Han and ruin the moment. He loved Han’s light touch, the way his fingers ghosted over his chest, like they were hesitant. Luke had never seen Han be hesitant or gentle with anyone before. He felt like a treasure Han was trying to protect, something he held dear. 

Luke heard the sounds of his mother in the kitchen, his father’s chair scraping across the floor as he slid into it to read the morning paper. They probably had a little while before his mother came to wake them up for breakfast, but it was best not to risk her barging in unannounced. He shook Han’s shoulder gently, but added more force as Han continued to snore unaware. Eventually his eyes fluttered open, Han groaning as the bright light hit his sensitive eyes. He squinted at Luke as though curious as to why he was there before he remembered where he was. 

“Morning, baby.” Han grinned, scooting up from where he was lying to press a kiss to Luke’s lips.

“Good morning.” Luke grinned back, letting out a yawn as he began to sit up. Han frowned and pushed him back down as he did so, yawning in return. 

“We’ve got a few minutes.” 

Luke shook his head but didn’t protest, happy to appreciate the little time he had left in bed with Han. It all felt like a dream, waking up beside him. He imagined waking up beside him every day, watching the sun rise and cast shadows across Han’s back in the early morning. Falling asleep listening to Han’s quiet snoring, his warm body always pressed against his own. He didn’t think he would ever get tired of the routine. 

“I want to do this every night.” Luke stared out the window, watching a car roll down the road lazily, sunlight bouncing off the hood. 

“Me too.” Han muttered back, kissing Luke’s forehead before he rolled out of bed, stretching in the sun. He glanced back and smiled as he saw Luke watching, motioning for him to come over. Luke sat up, scooting to the edge of the bed where Han leaned over, running his fingers through Luke’s hair and pulling him up into a kiss. The sun felt warm against Luke’s fingers as he rested them against Han’s back, the sounds of the house fading as he got lost in the feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! As always, leave kudos/comments if you liked it, they keep me going.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No one can see.” Han whispered, closing the space between them, this time with a kiss to his lips. Luke was hesitant but he relaxed into Han’s touch as he always did, eyes falling shut. 
> 
> Luke imagines living in a world that was dark, where no one could ever see them. One where no one would wander across their private moments, where they could be in a crowd but never seen. He holds Han’s hand tighter and hopes maybe someday they won’t need darkness to not be a beacon drawing all eyes to them. Hoping maybe people will stop caring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, feels like it's been so long since I updated! Hope you guys enjoy the new chapter, we're nearing the end!

Luke almost didn’t register the door slamming open, Leia running in and trying her best to close it quietly behind her, still creating a clatter in her haste. 

“Why I am always the one saving you idiots?!” She whispered angrily at the two boys as they slowly untangled from one another, Han backing up into the wall as Luke pulled his blankets over himself. 

“What’s going on?” Luke asked, heart speeding up at Leia’s obvious panic. 

“Father’s on his way up here!” She almost shouted, keeping her voice quiet just barely, leaning back against the door in annoyance. “Get dressed, for God’s sake!” 

Luke jumped up and began pulling on his jeans, cursing to himself as he struggled to pull them up. Han wasn’t as outwardly shaky but Luke saw a look of horror pass over his face as he searched the room for his shirt, sure they wouldn’t pull themselves together in time. Footsteps approached outside the door, loud and unmistakably belonging to their father. Luke had finally put on some semblance of an outfit but Han was still shirtless, standing in the middle of the room. Leia cursed under her breath and rushed over, pushing him back onto the bed and throwing a blanket over him just as a knock sounded at the door. 

Their father opened the door and looked around curiously, gaze lingering on Leia, suspicion clear on his face. 

“Why are you in here?” He asked, voice tense. 

“I noticed Han wasn’t up yet and came in here to wake him.” She glared at her father for his implications, shaking Han as though she had been trying to wake him already, annoyed with how heavy of a sleeper he was. “Luke couldn’t wake him up.” 

Luke nodded in agreement, not daring to speak up. Leia put her hands on her hips as Han sat up, letting out a yawn and rubbing his eyes. He looked with surprise at the twins’ father standing in the doorway, putting on a better facade than Luke had expected from him. He kept the blanket close around him, careful not to show he was undressed beneath the sheets. 

“Morning, sir.” 

The three teens watched as the man slowly nodded, backing away from the door.   
“Right.. Morning.” He began to walk away before he remembered his initial reason for coming, popping his head back into the bedroom. “Your mother has breakfast ready.” 

“We’ll be down soon.” Luke forced an easy smile, nodding as his father finally left, closing the door as he stalked off down the hall. He breathed a sigh of relief as Leia turned to glare at the two, crossing her arms over her chest. 

“I’m not always gonna be here to save your behinds.” She looked angry but Luke knew it only came from concern. She didn’t want to see everything he had just gained ripped away because he couldn’t pay enough attention. He crossed the room, pulling her into a tight hug. She relaxed in his grip but didn’t uncross her arms, making sure her brother knew how serious she was. 

“Thanks, dolly.” Han piped up from his place on the bed, flashing a smile at Leia. She rolled her eyes in return but a small smile crept onto her face. “You’re a lifesaver.”

“I know.”

xx

Luke spent a week afraid to touch Han after the incident. Even behind closed doors he couldn’t reach out, his ears perked up at every sound. Han grew tired of the fear and the hiding and so he herded Luke into his car, and drove him far away. By the time they left the small town Han could see Luke’s hands relaxing, edging closer until he let a hand rest gently against Han’s leg. Neither mentioned it, they just kept driving. 

“You in the mood for a flick?” Han smiled over at his boyfriend as they pulled into the drive in movie theatre, Luke quickly pulling his hand back into his own lap as they approached the populated area. The movie was just starting as they parked, sky settling into the darkness of night, purple turning to black. The only light came from the screen far in front of them, all of the cars hidden in shadows, all of the windows black. 

Han didn’t pay a moment’s attention to the movie playing, words mostly static through the old car radio. He leaned across the front seat and pressed his lips to Luke’s cheek, a silent question. 

“What are you doing?” Luke looked terrified, glancing around the crowded space, looking for someone who may have seen them. Han grabbed his hand and held it tightly, waiting for the tension to leave it.   
“No one can see.” He whispered, closing the space between them, this time with a kiss to his lips. Luke was hesitant but he relaxed into Han’s touch as he always did, eyes falling shut. 

Luke imagines living in a world that was dark, where no one could ever see them. One where no one would wander across their private moments, where they could be in a crowd but never seen. He holds Han’s hand tighter and hopes maybe someday they won’t need darkness to not be a beacon drawing all eyes to them. Hoping maybe people will stop caring. 

He hates that he thinks it, but he considers a world where his parents are gone. Where he lives alone with Han and the doors are never closed because there’s no one to hide from. 

Luke knows it’s all impossible, only wishes and dreams, but he loves Han all the more for giving him a moment, a world where his dreams were true. In a crowd, in public, just sitting among teenagers just like themselves, they can be. They can kiss, and Luke can hold Han’s hand without sweaty palms, and his heart only beats fast because of Han’s presence, not because every moment between them is a ticking time bomb. 

It’s peace, just for one evening. 

xx

Luke heard his mother coming down the hall, heels tapping softly against the floorboards. He stayed lying back in his bed, staring at the ceiling. It had been a quiet day, Leia had gone to meet Han somewhere for some sort of pretend date, Leia convincing Luke that their parents would be less suspicious if she and Han went out without him. So he stayed in his room, only leaving for dinner and even then only staying at the table for a few minutes. He could only endure so much of his mother asking how Mara Jade was, if she would ever come over for dinner. 

But his mother was unrelenting, he supposed as she knocked on the door. He let out a quiet “come in” as she pushed the door open, smiling at him and heading towards the chair beside his bed, taking a seat. 

“Were you trying to sleep?” She reached out and touched his arm, the same familiar way she had before Luke had ever confided in her. Now the gesture felt fake, it was awful. Every interaction he had with his mother now was poisoned and he had to smile through them all and act as though things were fine. As though he understood his mother’s actions, and supported them. It felt like every day he went running to Han’s house to scream about his mother, how betrayed he felt. Han never minded, just held him and let him shout until his throat was sore.   
“No, I was just thinking.” He smiled, sitting up and scooting back to lean against the headboard. His mother nodded, letting her hand fall back into her lap. 

“I just wanted to come talk to you about before.. I couldn’t tell you at dinner, but I wanted to remind you of how proud I am of you. You’ve been through so much and you’re so strong. I’m just glad you’re finally happy.” She was grinning at him, hands clasped together tightly. “You deserve a nice girlfriend, I’m glad you finally have one.” 

Luke almost laughed at her words. A small chuckle came out, but he passed it off as excitement with a grin that hurt his cheeks. His heart ached as he pulled his mother into a hug, surprised for a moment with how small she felt now. He remembered sitting in her lap as a child, thinking she was tall, like royalty. She always seemed so strong and powerful in his mind, but really she was fragile and human. He pulled away. 

“Thank you, ma.” 

“I won’t keep you.” She laughed and stood, straightening her skirt. She looked him over, pride in her eyes. “You know you can always come talk to me.” 

He nodded, smiling as she walked towards the door. She smiled once more before heading off, footsteps disappearing down the stairs. As soon as the sound ended a wave of nausea overcame Luke. He sprang out his bed and into the bathroom as he heard the front door open, Leia chatting with her father at the bottom of the stairs. 

Luke collapsed on the floor, vomiting the contents of his stomach into the toilet, face pressed against the cool ceramic. Leia ran up the stairs at the sounds, pushing the bathroom door open a bit more and sliding in. She was quick to drop to her knees, pressing her cold fingers to his back and rubbing in a small circle. Everything ached, his knees pressed against hard tile, his heart feeling like a balloon about to burst. 

“What happened?” Leia asked him gently, looking to her brother with concern. 

“She’s so proud. She’s just glad I’m happy.” Luke spat the words, not lifting his head from where it sat. He felt Leia’s fingers tense against his back as he went on. “I hate lying to her, Leia.” 

“You don’t have anything to feel bad about.” Her voice was fierce and hushed, echoing in the small space. “You’re surviving, you aren’t lying. She’s lying if she says all she wants is for you to be happy. If that’s what she wanted then she wouldn’t have wanted to fix you. She would have helped.” 

Luke sighed, sitting up and moving away from the toilet, leaning back until he was flat against the tiled floor, head pressed against the fluffy bath mat by the tub. Leia lied back, her feet propped up against the wall, not enough room left for her to lie out completely. 

“How was your date?” Luke asked finally, a hint of humour in his voice. Leia huffed out a laugh. 

“Horrible. He seems hung up on someone already.” 

Luke smiled at that, letting the quiet wash over them. 

xx

Han found Leia and Luke hiding in a blanket fort in Leia’s bedroom one sunny afternoon, the two curled up quietly whispering beneath the hanging blankets. Han had been let in by their mother, happy Leia’s boyfriend was so attentive. He stood in the doorway with hands on his hips when he saw the two hiding away from the day, content to let it pass by. 

“Really?” He asked, causing Luke to startle and hit his head on the low hanging blankets, pulling their carefully constructed roof down. Leia squealed with laughter, tugging the blanket off of them as Luke got tangled up in it, static pulling his hair up as the blanket was tossed across the room. 

“How did you get in?” Leia asked while Luke attempted to make himself look presentable, embarrassed to be caught participating in childish activities by his boyfriend. 

“Your mom was happy to let me surprise you.” Han rolled his eyes, sitting down on striped mattress, all of the sheets and pillowing having been part of the twins’ elaborate fort. “Is this what you do all day when I don’t make you go outside?” 

He joked and Luke stuck his tongue out, but the truth was he had been too distressed to do anything. He wanted to hide away from the world, and Leia was happy to indulge him. Getting Luke to participate in building the fort was a big step, otherwise he would have laid by himself in bed all day, content to just be still, pretend the world would stop spinning if he willed it to. 

Leia stood, heading for the door. She gestured for Han to follow her, although she only got a confused eyebrow raise in response. She sighed, stopping in her tracks to explain. 

“Come talk to me in the hall.” 

Han gave a look of understanding suddenly, jumping from his seat and flashing a smile to Luke before going out into the hallway. Luke could hear their whispered words in bursts, but he didn’t need to hear anything to know they were talking about him. Leia would surely explain what had happened, tell him to be gentle. Tell him not to push too hard, as though he ever did with Luke. Every one of their interactions was like a whisper. He didn’t need to be warned, if he was any more gentle he may as well be a ghost. 

The two returned, Han looking considerably less enthusiastic than he had been when he arrived. Leia plopped back into the mess of blankets with Luke and Han sat on the wood floor beside them, letting out a loud sigh. 

“So, I’ve got an idea.” 

xx

The evening found the three constructing an even bigger blanket fort than the one Luke had destroyed in his surprise. Han had gathered blankets from all around the house, even from the twins’ parents bedroom. He had claimed he charmed their father into agreeing, but Luke was convinced his father was just too tired to protest when Han started talking. The fort spanned from Leia’s room to Luke’s room, half of the hallway now filled with blankets pinned to walls and propped up by chairs. 

Leia had had to search the house for all the tacs they had, taking down posters from her wall, unpinning notes their mother had up in the kitchen. The fort was more of a roof and a curtain, blankets pinned to the walls like low hanging ceilings, sheets draped off of them like doors. Through the hallway it was more of a tunnel, chairs lining the space with a thick comforter draped over them, a small space between them to enter from and no more. Every window in the bedrooms had been covered, every bit of light coloured by the fabric hanging around them. The floors were lined with pillows, a makeshift mattress for them all to lie across.

The whole structure was enormous, by the time they were finished the sunlight of the day had turned orange with the sunset. Leia sat watch at the only opening, although they were all fairly sure it would be a cold day in Hell when their father or mother climbed into a blanket fort. At the very back, hidden behind Luke’s bed, Han and Luke laid together. Luke was curled up with Han enveloping him. It was hot in the structure and Luke was already sweating from the heat, but he didn’t ask Han to move. He could endure the heat for him. 

Leia turned from her post to chat with them, holding the door shut tightly behind her. The two boys sat up to face her, Luke being pulled into Han’s lap now. 

“I think we could live here. It’s well constructed. We’ve got two bedrooms.” She glanced around the space, smiling at their work.   
“We’d need to make kitchen and bathroom runs, but we could manage.” Han added, resting his head on Luke’s shoulder. “It’s better than the alternative.” 

Luke hummed in agreement, closing his eyes and leaning back into Han. 

“Society can get bent, we’ve got blankets.” Luke chuckled to himself, feeling suddenly sleepy. 

“You tell ‘em, babe.” Han laughed softly, pressing a kiss to Luke’s cheek as he drifted asleep. The orange glow against the blankets faded away, the last thing he remembered before he fall asleep the feeling of Han’s hands resting on his stomach. His whole being buzzed with warmth, soft and complete. 

xx

“We’ll be back in the morning, you two behave yourselves!” The twins’ mother waved from the front door at the kids who were sprawled out on the sofa, rolling their eyes. Their father had tried to pull their mother out the door for the past half hour and so far she had said goodbye five times. It seemed as though their father had finally reached his wit's end, pulling his wife off towards the car. 

“No girls! And no boys either!” He called back as he was pulling door shut, as though he hadn’t gone over that fact fifteen times in the past week. They had been planning their anniversary night for ages now, the twins knew the deal. They would be back in the morning, and Luke and Leia would spend the evening goofing off in the kitchen and baking desserts they rarely got to eat. They weren’t the type of kids to throw parties, Luke wasn’t sure they even knew enough people to have one. 

“Bye!” Leia called out with a wave as they door fell shut, watching out the window until the car finally headed off down the road, far enough away that there was no chance of them turning around one last time. Once they had disappeared Leia sat up to face her brother, grinning. “There’s been a change of plans.” 

She got up and grabbed her shoes, pulling them on and throwing open the coat closet in search of something to wear. Luke watched her with nervous curiosity, rising up from his own spot on the couch. 

“What kind of change?” 

“I’m going out.” She grinned, turning and grabbing her brother by the shoulders. “You’re staying in. Trust me.” 

“You’re making that hard.” He sighed as Leia pushed him back down onto the couch, heading for the door.

“You’ll thank me later!” She swung the door open, pausing before she headed out. “Be careful.” 

Luke nodded, watching as the heavy wood door swung closed behind her. He heard a car engine out front, a rumble he was all too familiar with. As he moved to the window he saw Leia chatting with Han as he emerged from the vehicle. She gave him a grin and climbed into the driver’s seat, waving and pulling back out, leaving Han standing there looking lost and nervous. When he faced the house Luke could see it plain as day on his face. 

Luke sunk down from his perch before Han could catch him, rising as soon as Han knocked on the door. A burst of cool evening air swept over Luke opened opened the front door, and Han came right in. He slammed the door behind him, pushing Luke back against the wall and pulling him into a kiss. It was brief, cut off by Luke’s protests. 

“Not right in front of the window!” He laughed, pushing Han away. “What are you doing here?” 

The surprise wasn’t unwelcome, but Luke was nervous about his parents coming back to find them. They had been close to being caught before, Luke didn’t want another brush with danger like that. 

“I wanted to take you on a date.” Han grinned down at his boyfriend, shoving his hands in his pockets, trying to stop them from fidgeting with nervous energy. “Can’t really take you out, so this was the next best thing.” 

“Isn’t really a date unless you make me dinner, is it?” Luke joked but Han smiled at the idea, shaking his head. 

“Already planning on it, dolly.” 

xx

Luke wasn’t sure what he expected from Han’s cooking. When Han had shooed him out of the kitchen Luke had assumed it was only a joke, but Han spent a good hour in the room, clanging around and humming to himself as he worked. When he finally emerged he had ushered Luke over to the table, seats set with the nicest plates they owned. Luke was surprised he had managed to find them, tucked away in the back of the cabinet, but he supposed Leia must have prepped Han for the night. 

“After you.” Han joked and pulled Luke’s chair out for him, pushing him into the table before rushing off to bring the food out, balancing plates and pots as he navigated through the small space. Luke offered to help but Han was adamant about doing this on his own. 

When they finally both were seated to eat, the room was silent. Han watched Luke with every bite he took, scanning his reaction to make sure he had done alright. Luke smiled at him reassuringly, eventually giving up on his silent signals and telling Han what he wanted to hear. 

“Everything’s delicious.” He laughed, wiping his face off as he finished off his plate. Han grinned in response, looking pleased at his work.

“Good.” He glanced out the window, biting his lip for a moment before turning back to Luke. “So, your parents aren’t going to be back until morning..” 

It was already dark out now, the street outside quiet and void of activity. Luke took a deep breath, reminding himself his parents had never once come home earlier than they said. He had the night to himself and Han, no one to interrupt. No one to be quiet for. 

“Are you staying?” Luke almost sighed the words out, soft and hesitant, not sure what he wanted. He knew he wanted a night with Han, but he didn’t know if now was the time. There wouldn’t ever be a time when he was certain, he knew. There would never be a place Luke was comfortable, sure no one would stumble upon them. He pushed the nagging worry to the back of his mind. “I want you to stay.” 

“Okay.” He could hear the grin in Han’s whisper, there was a sparkle of excitement in his eyes. Han reached across the table and took Luke’s hand in his, squeezing it tightly. 

xx

Once Han was thoroughly sure the kitchen was back in order he crept up the stairs to Luke’s bedroom, the lights in the room off and Luke lying silently on the bed. Han smiled at the peaceful scene in front of him, tugging off his clothes and gazing out the window. Luke stared at him in silence, watching as the moonlight bounced off his pale skin. Luke smiled at how familiar the scene was, recalling watching Han stretched across his bed, looking like belonged there more than anything. He rolled onto his back and motioned for Han to join him, stretching out across the sheets. 

Han grinned and fell into the bed, propping himself up on his elbows over Luke. He stared down at him, leaning in to kiss him, and Luke felt time almost stop. 

The moment was slow and peaceful, but it was charged with something. The moment Han’s lips touched his he was tugging him closer, forgetting every fact that had made him hold back before. Han let out a sigh, dropping down and rolling to his side, tugging Luke along with him. Luke laughed, pushing Han further and climbing onto his lap to straddle him. 

Han broke away with a grin and a laugh, staring up at Luke. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” He meant to protest more, but the way the blue light of the sky lit Luke pulled him back in, forgetting any arguments he had as he wrapped his hands in Luke’s hair, pulling him down before he ruined the moment. 

“Hey, hey..” Luke pulled away, brushing his hair out of his eyes and sitting up, the sheet that had laid across his back falling down and exposing him to the cool air. “What are we doing?” 

The question drew him back to their clearing, Han’s whispered question after their first kiss. It was hard to believe it had been so long since the event, the Summer now drawing to a close where before they had just begun to enjoy it. The same feeling of dread rose in his chest as it had before at the words, the uncertainty of the moment making him feel as though he was on the edge of a cliff, about to fall over. 

“Whatever you want.” Han answered, trailing his fingers lightly over Luke’s chest. Luke had appreciated the light touch Han always greeted him with, but now it felt too gentle. He wanted him to take hold of him, leave a mark to remind Luke this had all happened. In the morning when Han left he wanted to see marks where Han’s fingers had been, a record of every inch of Luke he had touched. 

“I want you.” Luke answered, grinning and pressing a light kiss to Han’s forehead. Han stared up him with a look of wonder, laughing and taking Luke’s face in his hands. He ran his thumb over his cheek as though wiping away tears, his own eyes sparkling with wetness. Where Luke was prone to cry when he was overwhelmed, Han cried when he was happy. At the simplest of joys he was tearing up. Luke couldn’t help but grin each time he did. 

“What?” He whispered, leaning in closer to Han. 

“I love you.” Han laughed out, pressing a kiss to Luke’s lips before continuing on. “I love you so much.” 

Luke felt a jolt run through him at the words, the grin on his face not feeling like enough to show Han how much the words meant to him. He let out a loud laugh, echoing through the quiet house. His joy felt like it filled the space, surrounding the two. 

“I love you too.” He whispered back as though it was a secret to be kept between them. He supposed maybe it was. Han was quick to lock their lips again, dropping all of the energy he had put in earlier and instead touching them just barely, each touch like a whisper or a breeze, brief and soft. 

“I love you.” Luke whispered between touches, making sure Han heard each one, feeling the weight Luke meant the words to have. He was amazed he had never said it before, he had always known he loved Han. Each glance towards him had felt like a confession, every time he squeezed Han’s hand a scream of the words to the world. Saying them had a new sort of feeling though. Each time he repeated it a little bit of the tension in his chest released. 

“I love you.” And it was like he forgot his mother’s talks with him, every look she had given him disappeared. Every lecture from his father dissolved, a bad dream rather than a reality he had to return to in the morning. 

Han felt like a new home. His body, his person a sanctuary he had never known he had. Han had always been his comfort and his safe place, but this revelation struck Luke once more. The house around them didn’t need to be his home, not if it didn’t feel like one anymore. 

He pulled away to tell Han, words dying on his lips before they could escape. The door behind him banged open and light flooded into the room. Luke froze on the spot, still feeling Han’s body under him but now it was cold and still. He didn’t dare turn around, he knew who stood there. 

Everything came crashing down in a split second. Han’s eyes were wide with horror as the man behind them let out a scream, no words, only a shout of anger. Of betrayal, perhaps. Luke could barely process the sound for what it was. There was a quieter gasp behind him he knew to be his mother’s, more of a sob than anything. 

He had betrayed his father, but more than that he had lied to his mother. He had gained her trust once again only to shatter it. 

“Luke?” 

Her whisper was drowned out with a scream, and a clatter. The room went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to say now: I am sorry. Please leave comments/kudos if you enjoyed it and/or want to yell at me for that.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What do you have to say for yourself?” His father turned to him, eyes cold and intense. Luke’s mouth felt dry, he couldn’t force the words out. His father’s anger only grew before he snapped, screaming again. “Tell me!” 
> 
> Luke’s mother let out another sob and her husband’s shouting and Luke sank back into the couch, huddling reflexively closer to Han. His father’s eyes burned at the sight of it. 
> 
> “Anakin,” Luke’s mother choked out, standing from her chair and approaching her husband. He turned to her, physically deflating before Luke. He was broken, Luke supposed it shouldn’t surprise him his actions had taken such a toll on his father. But he had expected more unrelenting anger, not this look of betrayal, his hunched frame as his wife wrapped her arms around him. His father was explosive, but this had destroyed all of that. Luke’s mother held the man like he was just a child, whispering to him gently through her tears. “Calm down..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are folks! The end of an era! Hope you enjoy the last chapter, sorry it's so brief!

Han and Luke were seated on the couch while Luke’s father paced across the small space, carpet scratching underneath his shoes as he shuffled past. Padme was seated in the corner, sobbing uncontrollably since the group had made their way downstairs. Luke and Han were still in states of undress, Han barely having pulled on his jeans before Luke’s father was ushering him out of the bedroom. Luke was luckier, wearing a robe wrapped tightly around himself. 

“I can’t believe this.” The older man raised his hand to his temple, rubbing between his tightly shut eyes. He’d been muttering like that for the past ten minutes. The teenage boys had been too afraid to speak up, so they let him go on. Luke longed to take Han’s hand in his, have something to ground him in the moment, but he didn’t dare move an inch. 

“What do you have to say for yourself?” His father turned to him, eyes cold and intense. Luke’s mouth felt dry, he couldn’t force the words out. His father’s anger only grew before he snapped, screaming again. “Tell me!” 

Luke’s mother let out another sob and her husband’s shouting and Luke sank back into the couch, huddling reflexively closer to Han. His father’s eyes burned at the sight of it. 

“Anakin,” Luke’s mother choked out, standing from her chair and approaching her husband. He turned to her, physically deflating before Luke. He was broken, Luke supposed it shouldn’t surprise him his actions had taken such a toll on his father. But he had expected more unrelenting anger, not this look of betrayal, his hunched frame as his wife wrapped her arms around him. His father was explosive, but this had destroyed all of that. Luke’s mother held the man like he was just a child, whispering to him gently through her tears. “Calm down..” 

Despite all the hatred Luke harboured for his mother after the things she had said to him, he still loved this side of her. Protecting her child when he was afraid, no matter how much she hated him. He was sure part of her only did want to sooth her husband, but she would always be just a little protective over her baby, unable to watch him looking so terrified. 

“He told me..” Luke’s mother whispered, voice barely audible from the couch where Han and Luke sat. His father jerked away from her grip, weak glare now settled on his wife. 

“You knew? And you never thought to tell me?” He turned back to his son, not waiting for an explanation. “How long has this been going on?” 

Han spoke up this time, not waiting for Luke to panic again. He grabbed Luke’s hand, sitting forward in front of Luke as though protecting him from his father, looking as though he was ready to get up and fight if need be. 

“Two months.” 

Luke’s father glared at him, but Han didn’t back down. Luke couldn’t take the tension anymore, he stood from his seat, still holding tight to Han’s hand. His heart sped up and his stomach turned but he looked his father in the eyes, gaze unwavering.

“What’s wrong with you?” Luke spat the words out, voice trembling. “Why are you like this?” 

Luke’s mother reached out for her husband but he shook her off. 

“You have the nerve to ask what’s wrong with me, when you’re the one who was caught in bed with another boy?” His voice grew in volume as the sentence trailed on, stepping closer until he was shouting in Luke’s face. “You want to imply I’m the one who’s in the wrong here!?” 

Padme was shaking behind him, a fresh wave of sobs washing over her as she shook her head at her son, falling back into the chair behind her. 

“Don’t, Luke..” 

“Get out of my house.” His father’s voice dropped suddenly, only a whisper as he turned away. Luke stood still, Han still behind him. The older man glanced back, his face hardening. Now, he shouted the command. “Get out!” 

Han pulled Luke up the stairs, leaving the adults in the front room without a glance back. Luke snapped out of his trance, suddenly realizing what had just happened. He let out a sob before they reached his bedroom. 

“Hey, come on, baby, we’ve gotta get out of here…” Han pulled Luke along and into the small bedroom, the space still dark and disheveled as they had left it. The clock glowed by the bedside, the 10:00 it displayed feeling wrong. It felt as though it had been days since their dinner, since they climbed into bed. 

It was hard to imagine an hour ago Luke had felt at home, sure of himself and comfortable with where he was. Now every bone in his body screamed ‘run’. 

xx

Han and Luke busied themselves packing Luke’s things, both silent in their rush. It felt odd, packing the necessities and leaving behind the things that felt familiar, the little personal touches Luke had put on the space so it would feel less bare, less terrifying. His old bedspread stayed in a pile on the floor, the old journals full of doodles and scribbling from a younger Luke stayed tucked away in drawers. As he went through the space, Luke started to wonder how he had lived in it so long. The floorboards creaked beneath his feet, the bed springs were hard and sharp, always pressing into his back like knives. There was no comfort in the cool fabric of the sheets, they were stiff and unmoving, twisted now around the bedpost from when Han had jumped out of the bed, Luke’s father pulling him out. 

He closed his eyes, burying the images of the evening. 

“Do you have everything?” Han put a hand on Luke’s shoulder from where he stood on the other side of the bed. He was holding two bags, Luke’s backpack tucked under his arm, and his knuckles white over the handle of his suitcase. Luke nodded, moving for the door. He stopped, turning to take in the small bedroom one last time. The posters on his wall were peeling, his desk chair had scraped lines into the floor from all the times he had dragged it to his bedside. The window was white with dust, the night sky looking hazy through it. Han flipped the lightswitch off behind him and the picture went dark. Luke followed him into the hall. 

For years, the house had been a prison. Luke had known that, but he had always convinced himself his room was a safe space, somewhere he could escape to. But it never was. It was a closet disguised as an exit. Closing the door behind him, Luke felt a sense of finality. 

The front room was empty when they reached it, Luke’s parents having left the space so they wouldn’t need to watch their only son leave. So they wouldn’t have to pretend they cared, he supposed. 

When the front door finally shut and they walked into the evening air, Luke felt free for the first time in his life. He had been afraid to admit it before, but he had always wanted an excuse to leave. His father’s suggestion to work with him hadn’t been so unappealing because of the rigorous schooling, or even because Luke resented being controlled. It was horrifying to think Luke would never escape that house. Even when he was old and tired, his father would still have a hold on him.   
“Where are we going?” Luke asked Han as they stepped down the sidewalk, street empty beside them. 

“We’re going home.” 

xx

The second the boys were through the front door, Han’s mother was on them. She was dressed in her nightgown, her robe hanging off her shoulders as she pulled her son into a hug. Luke had watched her greet him that way many times before, Han normally brushing her off in embarrassment, but this time he just let her hold him for a moment. As soon as she pulled away she was running towards Luke. He set down his bags in surprise as she wrapped her arms around him tightly, shaking her head as she spoke. 

“Your mother called me in tears, trying to warn me you boys would be coming here! Telling me I deserved to know what was happening if I was going to house you.” Her voice was angry, protective over not just Han, but Luke. Luke raised his arms to squeeze her back slowly, dissolving into sobs both at the emotion of the night and the overwhelming feeling of being accepted. “You’re always welcome here, sweetie, you know that..” 

Luke nodded and tried to pull back his sobs, but they were unrelenting. Han’s mother didn’t seem to mind, just rubbing his back until he calmed down. 

He had always loved the older woman, she was like a second mother to him. She had kept herself busy with spoiling Leia and Luke, telling them it was because Han never brought friends home and she didn’t want them to leave, but Han told Luke the truth. Since his father had died, not long before Luke and Leia befriended him, his mother had tried everything to distract herself from her grief. 

“Thank you.” Luke told her as he gathered himself, reaching up to wipe his eyes, cringing at the wet spot he had left against the shoulder of her robe. She waved him away as he reached out to try and dry it, shrugging it off altogether and setting it on the chair. 

“It’s okay, honey, no need to thank me.” She smiled and turned to her son, squeezing his arm gently. “You could have told me sooner.” 

Han nodded, smiling down at his mother. 

“I know.” 

There was a knock at the door before she could respond, hard and hurried. Han pulled Luke away from it, afraid of who may be standing behind it. His mother approached, passing the boys and giving them a reassuring smile. She pulled open the door to reveal Leia standing there, Han’s car parked behind her in the driveway, keys hanging from her fingers. She looked devastated, rushing in and tossing the keys onto the couch in favour of grabbing her twin, pulling him into a hug that nearly knocked him down. 

Neither cried, just held each other in silence. 

“I went home, and I saw the car…” Leia started after a moment, her voice a whisper. “Father was screaming when I went in.”

Luke didn’t have the energy to comment, just nodding and leaning against her for support. 

xx

Han and Luke slept in Han’s small bed, curled around each other, afraid to let go. The world felt like it was hanging by a thread now, delicate and breakable. 

“Are you awake?” Han’s voice was low, hoarse from the events of the night. It was past midnight now, the sky inky black outside, only a crack of it seem through Han’s blinds. 

“Yeah.” Luke’s voice felt almost lost. Not that he had lost it from all of the crying, the screaming, but that everything in him was drifting from his body into the air. He struggled to keep hold of his consciousness in the dark, grasping at glimmers of feeling. 

“Are you okay?” Han asked, sounding as though he already knew the answer. 

“No.” His voice moved before his thoughts could catch up. “I’ve got no home.”

“I’ll be your home.” Han squeezed Luke’s hand under the thick blankets, voice drifting away as he was falling asleep. Luke thought about earlier, when he had meant to tell Han just that-- that he was his home. Luke meant to tell him now, in the safety of his bedroom, but he heard Leia shift in her bed on the floor, a groan as she rolled over, uncomfortable on the hardwood floor. 

Han was humming softly now, finally looking at peace.

Luke tried to roll away without disturbing him, leaning over the side of the bed to look over at his sister. 

“Leia?” He whispered, the girl raising her head from her pillow. 

“Go to sleep, Luke.” She whispered demandingly, a groggy hint to her voice. 

He flopped back down into his space, Han’s fingers tightening around his as he shifted. He stared up at the ceiling fan, letting out a sigh. 

“Do you want to come sleep up here?” He posed the question to Leia, but she was already back fast asleep in her nest on the ground. He hadn’t wanted her closer for his own comfort, but he thought Leia might need his. It had been a hard night for her, yet no one had asked her if she was alright. 

He tried not to picture the things his parents must have said when she came in, confused and afraid. 

He drifted off to sleep, thoughts still locked on the image of his father, standing tall, mouth wide with a scream. 

xx

It was raining when Han lugged their bags out to the car, Leia watching from the window, Han’s mother at the table beside her. The sky was grey, clouds blocking every hint of the sun that had warmed the windows just days before. His hair stuck to his face, weighed down by rain from walking back and forth through the downpour. Now he was seated on the porch as Han arranged things, trying to make room in the small space for them both to fit. 

Han glanced over at his boyfriend, smiling brightly as he closed the door with a bang. 

“Almost ready.”

Luke nodded, grinning back himself. It had been a week since they arrived at Han’s house, and since then Han had decided it was essential they leave the town. Not for himself, but for Luke. Escaping the house was only the first step, he couldn’t be kept here where his parents could find him. Luke knew, but he was nervous for the departure from everything he had known. The familiar streets, park grass he was sure grew indented from where he lied each Summer, watching the sun as it peeked through the leaves. He wanted to leave, to find a home, but he couldn’t but feel like he was leaving one behind. Even if it was a broken one. 

Luke’s thoughts were interrupted as Han’s voice broke through them. 

“You need to leave.” He was standing by Luke’s mother, arm out to hold her back from approaching Luke. She was drenched, probably having run down the street to Han’s home, knowing the path to it like the back of her hand from all the times she took Luke and Leia here, waving with a smile as they ran into their second home. 

“Please, I need to speak to him..” She pleaded, glancing over at Luke with a sorry expression, dwarfed by Han’s tall frame and looking so fragile. 

Luke stood, gesturing for her to come over. Han looked hesitant but he let her pass, watching as she ran under the porch cover. 

“Luke, honey, please come home.” She began pleading as soon as he was within earshot, grabbing onto his hands. “I’m sorry, we can still make things right..” 

He can see her heart breaking, the pain in her eyes clear. But he couldn’t pretend for her again. It ripped him apart inside to lie to her. He loved her too much to do that. 

“You can’t make anything right, ma. I don’t need fixing, I’m not pretending anymore.” He pulled his hands away, staring deep in her eyes until she averted her gaze, nervous. 

“Do you know why your father hated this so much?” She asked, turning back to him. “Why he was so upset? You saw it. You know what you did to him.” 

He simply shook his head, remembering the way his father shrunk down in front of him. 

“Do you remember Obi Wan? You were just a child..” She looked up at the sky, eyes watering. 

An image came to mind, a man who had played with Luke when he was just a child, barely old enough to walk. It was only glimpses, flashes of his face. Soft eyes, a comforting warmth as he held him and Leia, laughing at their antics. He had left, one day. Neither twin had ever asked about him, no one had thought to tell them where he had gone. No one had thought they would remember. 

Luke nodded, searching his mother’s eyes for a further explanation, but she offered none. Her expression said enough, lip bitten and tears dripping down her cheeks with the rainwater. 

“Distance will fix this, please, Luke.” She reached for him in one last effort, but he stepped back. 

“You know that’s a lie.” 

His mother nodded, not bothering to argue. She took a shakey breath and turned, back into the rain and down the driveway, not once looking back at her son. To her, he was gone. His mother believed in redemption for all, but not him. Not now. 

Han was over to him before he could move, strong arms tight around his waist. Luke felt drained, watching his mother’s frame swallowed up by the storm. 

“Han?” He whispered, his voice a sob despite the lack of tears in his eyes. In the downpour, Luke had finally run out of tears. 

“Hm?” Han pressed a kiss to his head, humming into his hair. 

“I love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

xx

The two loaded into the car, shaking free from the water clinging to their clothes, hair dripping into soaked shoulders. Leia stood with an umbrella outside the passenger side, smiling at her brother sadly. 

“Are you sure you won’t come?” He asked her, reaching for her hand through the open window. She squeezed it tightly, shaking her head as she had each time he asked. 

He had begged her to leave, telling her their home wasn’t safe for her. But Leia knew what she wanted from her life, and that of a runaway wasn’t something she could ever live. Not happily. Luke knew it, but it didn’t stop him from asking each day, imagining her in the backseat of Han’s old car, cracking jokes and mocking Han’s hair in the mornings when they all woke up sore from sleeping on the hard seats. 

“You’ve got to do this on your own.” She looked on the verge of tears, but she held them back as she always did. Stronger than Luke had ever been. 

“I know.. I’ll miss you.” 

“Ring me up, then. You’ve got to leave before you can miss me.” She laughed with a sniffle, letting Luke’s hand go and waving them off. Han grinned over at her, shouting a goodbye before the car lurched back. The space was overflowing with bags and boxes, tilting whichever way the car moved. 

Leia stayed waving until they were out of sight, and Luke was sure even for a moment after that, held in place by an invisible string between the two. He felt it sever the farther they drove, fates finally separating from each other. He’d never been so far from his sister, it felt like a rough snap, a knot in his stomach. 

“You okay, baby?” Han glanced over and caught Luke’s gaze, his mind clearing instantly. 

Leia standing, braid flying back in the open air. Han’s eyes locked on his, turning back to the road like he had never wanted the moment to end. The sand flying up under the wheels, the warm sun against their necks as they screamed into the infinite abyss, feeling alive. 

The road in front of them was muddy and soft, rain tapping against the raised hood, air conditioner blowing their hair dry. Luke looked ahead at the clouds, and back in the mirror at the town disappearing behind them. It looked so small, hardly like the suffocating cage Luke had felt it to be. 

“I’m okay.” He whispered, leaning back in his seat and for once feeling the words ring true. He reached out and grabbed Han's hand for just a moment, squeezing it tightly. “I’m home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with me through this, everyone!! I appreciate it more than you know just having people read my stuff <3 
> 
> As always, please leave kudos/comments if you enjoyed!! 
> 
> And keep your eyes peeled for a possible prequel fic (not "possible", I am writing it, it'll be focused on Obi Wan and Anakin this time around! But who knows how long that'll take)!!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please remember to leave kudos/comments if you enjoyed this, they mean a lot!


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